We went out for an early lunch today, to a new restaurant we'd never tried. I got a Mexican Apple Pie for dessert, and I was delicious.
I stayed at work late because I got stuck. I stuck it out with one of my fav coworkers that was there until midnight. She's talking about leaving in a year too, and worried about her son. He's 20 but acts about 13 years old, disrespects her and is generally a leech. It's a rough situation, and it got me thinking how I would be as a mother. Would I always feel like I screwed up no matter what?
G came over today to take about 70% of our furniture that we are getting rid of. The house feels so empty now, and there are still things to get rid of. I'm starting to panic a little, but feel better at the same time.
I went to work and found out that the project I've been working on for weeks is being made completely invalid. I might have pushed a little harder because I know my time is limited, but I just want to make a difference before I leave. I don't know that it is going to happen.
It was a little stressful not knowing when I was going to pick them up, so I didn't sleep well thinking I would miss their call. They wanted to leave from their hotel at 2:30, so I missed a little work to drive them. Hopefully her friends were good contacts to make and it won't be long before I get a job in my hometown. They were all stand up comedians, so it was a little much for my INFJ ways. I did have a lot of fun with them though.
I came into work only an hour late, but it was a pretty easy day for my Monday. I have a feeling that means that tomorrow will be a little crazy.
My BFF "had" to spend the day at a hotel pool with her friends, so I went to join her at noon. I should have joined her sooner, but none of the mediocre suits I had were hitting me in the right places. I'm very glad that I've lost weight, but it only seems to have made the problem worse when trying things on. I actually said out loud "I hate swim suits" and realized how much this disease has changed me. I loved to go out and swim before.
We stayed until around 5, then my BFF went off to see my messy house and visit my work before I dropped her off. I'm dropping them off at the airport tomorrow, but I have no idea when. I sort of got a taste of how my life might be once I get back. A little stressful, but overall much better.
My BFF and her two friends came into town today, I picked them up at the airport. There were very happy to hop into my Cube instead of a cab and we had brunch at Chipotle before I dropped them off at their hotel. One of them (not my friend) is reviewing the hotel and they need to clock crazy hours at the pool before she can get her stuff for free and write her review.
My BFF mentioned in the car ride that I was a writer also, and the friend asked which guilds I was part of and who I've written for. I immediately felt terrible about myself. I felt like I had wasted my life and what was I doing? Moving home with my tail between my legs? What a loser!
The feeling passed but still haunted me all day. Her friend said she would set me up with all the things I need to write, which is really nice of her for only really meeting me this year.
The Realtor came over in her 4 inch heels and said that our house looked really good. Basically as long as we cleaned up the rest of the clutter, she sees no reason why it wouldn't sell for at least 45,000 over what we paid. At the end of the day, we'll only end up with about 20,000 after paying off all our stuff. But it is money we didn't have before, so I guess it's a win. We decided to put it on the market in exactly a week.
This just got way more real.
My hometown BFF called me to let me know her flight is coming in just before noon tomorrow. We talked a little about, basically what we were gonna talk about once she got there. I'm so excited to see her, I was happy for hours afterwards. It was pretty much the highlight of my day.
For a Saturday it was super busy at work. It's been busy all week, and I'm getting very burned out. A day at the pool on my time off will be the perfect way to relax.
I watched this documentary by Doug Block today. Maybe it was because I was emotionally raw from a convo with my sister this morning, but it got me thinking about how different of a person I am from when I got married 10 years ago and moved here.
I guess when I move back things will be made pretty clear how I've changed and how much I haven't. However, it's possible being inside my mothers house will make me regress. My best friend from back home is coming in a few days and I'm honestly getting a little worried that we won't be as good of friends if we see each other more than a couple of times a year.
Everything is just so up in the air, I'm worried that more things than anticipated will change on me, and I'm not sure that I can take any more unexpected. I know, I know...my INFJ is showing.
G came over today to see if he wanted anything we were going to give away before the move. He's gonna take most of the stuff later.
One of my favorite people in town was having a going away party tonight. He's moving to Paris with some money and a dream. I wish I had his ability to just know things are going to work out.
Hubby made Dutch babies for breakfast that we had at noon because it was just a wasted day. All weekend was spent taking multiple trips to goodwill and having 2 bags over what the garbage was willing to take.
Today was my day off, so the Hubby started making some calls. He called the bank that has our mortgage, and asked about a refinancing option. The answer was no, ask we can't do anything if we are planning on selling soon. So we called the person who sold us the house to ask her how fast we can get it on the market. She said it should sell within a week the way things are in our neighborhood, and that we will make much more than we paid. She's coming over next Monday to look at the house and tell us what we need to work on.
I don't want to get too excited, but our house is in really good shape. The Zillow estimates it being almost twice as much as we paid for it. It's a beautiful house, it's one of the only things I'll miss.
We could live on a year with the money we would make from that. We decided to shift our focus to getting the house ready, and moving out as soon as it is sold. We can use the money to get by and find jobs once we get there. There is much to do.
I helped my sister pack up her car this morning, then watched her car leave with her cat and boyfriend along for the ride. As soon as the moment passed, the nausea washed over me again. I started crying in the shower, for the situation, for my sister leaving, for Robin Williams dying. He is a perfect example of my "depression is no excuse" post that's so infamous.
I kept updating my resume today. I sent it to my mom, and she said "I don't think your education should be on top as the first item. Getting a degree and the work you did in your department is good, but college days are a long time ago. Your work experience should be what you are promoting now."
Thanks mom. What a confidence boost: I'm old. My terribly boring work history comes first.
Just shoot me in the head. My disaster scenarios are just getting larger and larger. We are going to get foreclosed on our house and my entire savings account is going to be obliterated by the end of October. This is not how I imagined it to be at all. I really wanted to go through a "last time I do this" list that I no longer have time to even make.
I hate to be a pessimist, but I don't think this is going to end well. My sister leaves tomorrow, and I don't even have room in my heart to deal with it right now.
Right after I hit send on my last blog, Hubby came home and told me that he officially put in his notice at work today for the end of September. I don't think he realizes that this is pretty much a month away, and he hasn't bothered to save any money.
I put it out of my head and went to sleep, but after my sister gave me a massage in the morning, I let all my emotions out. I threw out everything I didn't need in my bathroom to calm down, and then updated my resume all day out work. I knew that was reckless, but I had to do something to make me feel like I had control over something.
I think I did a good job and it looks good. I printed it out for Hubby and my sister to look over tomorrow.
I've wanted to throw up all day.
I've been playing Simpson's Tapped Out app for years now. There isn't a challenge going on right now, so I decided to blow up my town and rebuild. I must have spent two hours on it today, and I still want to blow it up and start over. I'm already missing how I had things set up before, and wish I could go back.
I'm just not good with change.
I was driving home tonight when I realized that this time next week, no one will be home to greet me. It's going to be sad here without my sister.
My sister and I sat around watching movies all day, still depressed over Robin Williams. I don't want to work tomorrow.
My sister and I ran a few errands today, and went to pick up some more French macarons when I got a twitter message to my phone that Robin Williams was dead. A celebrity death hasn't upset me this much since Michael Jackson.
A man who cared so much about other people and making people laugh took his own life. Having struggled with depression in the past and present, it doesn't look good when someone with that much life and love couldn't take it anymore. A popular post online states he said:
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone.
It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you
feel all alone."
I really take this quote to heart, because it makes me feel better about moving away from this city. There is no one here that doesn't make me feel more alone. I need to go back to where I have a support system. I'm back to feeling like this was the right decision.
At the same time, I'm also just really sad that he left us before I, or his family was ready. I wish that something had prevented this from happening, like his TV show getting renewed instead of canceled. I watched Hook and Bicentennial Man today in his honor, as it is the only two Robin Williams films that I own. He gave so much to all his roles, and to his life in general. I hope he is somewhere now that depression doesn't fill him, only lightness of being.
We grabbed more macarons on the way out of town and drove the 4 hours back home. I was so tired from the trip, and my sunburn had gotten worse. Traffic was so bad that I had to just drop mom off at the airport Hubby was already home, so we went out for real sushi, then took a nap before heading out at midnight to try and see the meteor showers. It was cloudy, so we drove out for a few hours and didn't get to see anything.
We woke up and went to a boardwalk in a city I'd never been before. We walked around the dirty pier, and I wondered exactly why this place had been recommended to me. It wasn't totally unpleasant, but I'd never go back there again. We were stopped by a security guard on the pier who said we looked like three generations. Basically that I was a slutty 7 year old and my sister was my daughter. Went to go drink some bleach after that. Maybe this pixie cut was a bad idea after all.
We went back to the hotel and hung out by the pool because the beach there was too busy. By that time I had already developed a bit of a sunburn, but it was overcast so I didn't get worse (I also put on sunscreen anyway).
We had a sushi dinner that was pretty lackluster for being by a beach, and then looked up a place for dessert. We saw a place that had a good rating on salted caramel ice cream at another nearby beach side shopping place. Mom also wanted to stick her feet in the ocean, so away we went. The parking was terrible, and we had to park far away. Mom was very tired after all the walking, so I left her and my sister at the ice cream place while I went to grab the car.
By the time I got back with the car, Mom was in a foul mood. I'm not sure what happened, but I thought it best to just go back to the hotel and go to sleep. We got some French macarons that I had never had before, and my sister and I shared one before bed. It's my new favorite thing ever, they are so yummy.
Sis graduation today. The ceremony was really short, so we left and I drove the 4 hours to the beach. Mom was still looking for things to do tomorrow in the lobby, even though we are spending time at the beach. Hotel carpet is trippy. See.
Mom came into town tonight. Already regretting this trip, her Jewish guilt trip game is strong. Went right to bed.
It was a high stress day with mostly positive payoffs. It started out as two of my favorite people leaving, one for another department, and one left the company altogether. I didn't have time to be sad, because I had a meeting I was running within a half hour of my arrival.
I had never been to these kind of meetings before, and hate having all eyes on me, (INFJ) so it was really hard to manage. I hadn't been prepared, and I really hate being taken by surprise. In the meeting I saw an opportunity to take control of an issue that was causing some horrible moral. I know that it needed to be done, and I hope to do it justice.
I had a meeting later in the night that made me feel a lot better about contributing to the group as a whole, and I had a moment of weakness on the way home. What if moving back home was a mistake? Today was a day that was hectic, but I got through it and felt like I accomplished something. Maybe things are changing.
This is one day out of hundreds spent feeling fruitless. In the end I think I made the right decision.
After a pedicure with my sister and R, I decided to take the night and make mint chocolate chip cookies while watching The Love Bug from Netflix. Not the crumby LiLo one, the original. I really think these movies are why I associate 60's songs with road trips. No road trip feels real unless I'm listening to those golden oldies.
I was also thinking about how much I loved car-personality movies growing up. I think if someone told me the cars had personalities in the Fast and the Furious movies, I'd be more apt to watch them.
We had a good BBQ for "family" dinner tonight, as my sister is finally done with school and is off until her graduation on Friday. It's nice to spend some time with her before she moves back later in the month.
We went to see a super late showing of Guardians of the Galaxy. It was much funnier than I anticipated, and I'm so glad that everything wasn't spoiled in the trailers. We are Groot! Vin Diesel's finest role.
Cramps took over the whole day. Can't remember a thing. This whole never taking pain medication sure makes it so I can't do anything else.
R was in a much better mood today, I'm glad she is taking it in stride. Otherwise nothing really happened today.
I had a chat with Mike earlier in the day about friendships and how people get treated unfairly. He said "I also found that I had genuine people who really loved me, not pretended to. I learned there was a price to pay (for being a bad person) because one never gets something for nothing... ever."
