Friday, April 23, 2010

'Cause When the Heart Breaks it Don't Break Even

I care too much. It's one of the worst faults I have. If someone says to me, "Yeah, but who cares?" There is rarely a time when my head doesn't scream to them "I DO! I CARE!"

It's become a detriment. A weight. And I've learned to not care about certain things. Well, not NOT care as much as realize that there are some things that aren't worth worrying about that much. If dishes sit around for a couple of days, the earth isn't going to rotate right off it's axis. Everything will be fine.

I do this with my friends too. I'm an extremist friend. If you are my friend, and you need help, I'm right there. I'm doing the right thing for you, whether it's tell you that the boy who doesn't like you is an idiot, or trying to win that idiot back. But if one of my friends is doing something really stupid, I'm not keeping my mouth shut. I'm telling them exactly what they need to do to remedy a situation. I'm a great friend.

Never in my life has anyone abused this like a recent friend. I found this site on the internet and the line;

No matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what has been happening to me. This whole friendship I've been giving and giving and getting nothing back. Not because she was a bad person, but because she just wasn't capable of giving anything back. And even though I do love to help, it's like my advice wasn't being listened to. She wasn't learning anything from my sound advice. And I wasn't getting a friend in return.

It weighed on me. With what I've gone through, what I'm still going through...I don't have the emotional capacity to be anyone's pillar anymore. I've gotta get out.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Off the Grid

I want so badly to be off the grid.  I go online and it's like idiot after idiot posting their stupid Facebook status updates.  Complaining about stuff they don't actually care about when it comes down to it, they just type to see themselves in print.

Whatever happened to only speaking if you had something to say?  It seems people just make excuses to speak now.  They say something without realizing what it is before it's halfway out of their mouths.

One of the people I follow on Twitter told me that he felt like he hit a moment of Zen when he walked away from Facebook for a week.  I'm thinking about that seriously.  I need to get off the grid and concentrate on working out and getting the new house ready for my Mom to see at the beginning of May.  I can't wait for her to come and see the new house and for us to go out and do stuff.  With the last time I saw her being the anniversary of my Dad's death, it wasn't exactly an exciting trip for the both of us.

It won't be that hard to go off the grid with Facebook.  Let's see how a week goes...

Monday, April 05, 2010

Like Going Home Again

A couple weekends ago, I went home for the weekend. It was actually half for work, and half for play. Mostly though, it was to be with my Mom close to the anniversary of my Dad's death.

Not that we had time to even think about that, as she was running an expo and we barely sat down with each other for more than an hour the whole weekend. I had to have a whole morning conversation with my aunt that I really didn't want to have, but that's a story for another time.

The first morning I had to myself, and I drove around downtown and thought of all the things I could do as I drove by. I remembered things about my childhood, my adulthood, things that happened just last summer.

The possibility of the day lay before me, and it didn't strike me until I was on the plane ride home, but that was happiness. I felt more accepted there, and I feel like more people know me for who I am, and respect me for it. It was a nice feeling to have for the weekend. Maybe someday I'll find that place again.

But not in this town.