Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Kiss Me, I'm 33.2% Irish

I decided to organize all the mail we had lying around everywhere today, and put it on the hall table in a double-decker letter tray.  I had asked her about doing it before, and she said that it wasn't any of her mail.  So to show her it was, I put it all together.

Passive Aggressive Teenager attitude reared it's ugly head in my mother.  She took her mail and went upstairs to her room with it.  Hubby was working for three hours on a St Patrick's Day dinner she almost didn't come down to eat.  Then she just pushed around her food on her plate not saying anything.  She retreated back to her room after dinner and didn't say anything to anyone.

I apologized to hubby, and he was still a little miffed about it considering she had ruined the whole dinner with her attitude.  She wonders why we don't bother to make dinner or spend time with her.

I really should have not let it go when Hubby said it would be okay to move in with her.  I would have said I wasn't going to do that and we should find an apartment.  I had a Skype interview today that I hope goes well.  If it does we are moving out ASAP.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Time To Stop Being Angry. This quote helped me.

We have only a little time to please the living. But all eternity to love the dead.
—  Sophocles, Antigone

Sunday, March 08, 2015

Death, Take a Vacation

The best man from my wedding died suddenly a little over a week ago.  As soon as my husband's phone rang I knew he had passed.  If it was intuition or my ability to go straight to worst case scenario, I guess I'll never know.

Even though my dad and both my grandmothers had passed, this one was different.  All of those didn't come with the horrific element of surprise.  I also didn't have to deal with a terribly co-dependent friend this time around like I did with my dad.

This time around I didn't really feel like I had the right to be upset.  It was Hubby's friend, not really mine.  We spent some "couple" time together for sure, but he wasn't really my friend.  In fact, I had the distinct impression that he was amused by me, but had no interest in getting to know me personally.

He was a very passionate guy. He would get obsessed with something and it would be 300% about that topic until he was over it.  It could come off as extremely selfish, and a lot of the time it was.  It was.  I'm still angry with him.  I'm angry that his perfect family, his perfect life in his mansion, wasn't enough to seek the help he needed.  He's a selfish asshole.  He was a selfish asshole.  Even if his death turns out to be an accident, I'm still mad at him for not getting his shit together.

But I'm not allowed to have those feelings.  He's not a friend, I'm not supposed to have opinions about this.  I'm supposed to just be there for Hubby.  I'm trying my best to be there for him.  But my own feelings keep getting in the way. 

I'm so inappropriate when it comes to death.  All I could think about during the open casket was what a long day his corpse had, with a viewing from 4pm-8pm and then off for cremation in time for his funeral at 11AM the next morning.  It looked like him, but it also looked like someone from Madam Tussaud's had an intern do him.  If he was getting cremated later, was he in a longer casket?  When my sister was giving me a hard time about what I was wearing to my Grandmother's funeral, I told her that she humped the couches so much as a toddler that my mom took her to a doctor to see if she was okay.  Yeah, I put the fun in funeral.

I've cried almost ever other day since it happened.  Today I was super fatigued and slept through most of the day.  I hope this is the beginning of the acceptance phase, because I'm over this anger phase.