Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Can't You Hear That Jingle Jangle Sound?

Lately I've had a few songs from musicals stuck in my head.  "Every Little Piece" from Pete's Dragon and "Money Money Money" from Momma Mia.  Both of the things these songs have in common is finances, and lusting after it.

While looking for something else in my mother's house a few weeks ago, I found my 6th grade yearbook.  They had us all write where we would be when we were 30 years old.  I wanted to be editor of a newspaper, and live in a beach house in California.

Every once in awhile I'll check Zillow.com and look at beach houses.  I'm still that little kid.  Those are still things I want at 34, although editor of a dying medium doesn't seem like beach house material.  The money just wouldn't be there.  Those houses are millions of dollars.

The money from the house sale is dwindling to nothing.  Job prospects are still low.  I'm still so selfish, clinging to flashy houses/apartments/parties.  I had an okay job and a nice house, but no friends.  Now I have friends, but no house fit to invite them over to.  No money to go out with.  I am selfish to want it all...but I also don't think that the American Dream is too much to ask.

I don't really need a huge house.  A nice one to hold small dinner parties in would be fine.  A small yard.  Something I wouldn't be embarrassed to show people, like my mom's house.  Mom's house is big but filled to the brim with crap.  We had a BBQ the other week for mothers day and I didn't even want anyone coming in to use the bathroom.  I just want a bathroom to be proud of.  One that doesn't have a yellow porcelain tub and sink.  It's amazing what didn't bother me as a child that bothers me now about the house.

I'm also going crazy never being alone.  Whenever Hubby isn't home, my mother is.  I miss having a big house to be alone in.  I want to be with people, I want to be without people.  Sometimes I think I'm so picky that I'll never really be happy.

Yet I am happy, happier than I was before.  I am improving, even though it feels like a step back.

But I still would like a big vat of money to fall into my lap.