I just want to be pretty...

I'm going home next week, and looking forward to getting a haircut.  Mostly because my fatigue is so bad that just the weight of my long hair gives me a headache by the end of the day.

I keep going back and forth on wanting to get a pixie cut.  I want one, but I'm worried that I'm so overweight I'll give off more of a butch lesbian rather than a Ginnifer Goodwin vibe.

Summer is here as well, and the fact that I can't go out and sit in the sun depresses me.  I can't find anything that fits my body.  I want so badly to have energy and be 70 pounds lighter.

I saw a Endocrinologist this week.  She was a very strong personality that told me that she didn't think the problem was my thyroid.  She said I might not even be Hypo anymore. 

She thinks she knows what's wrong, but wants to "try something" first.  She asked me to go off my birth control pills for 3 months.  It was in that moment I realized out of all the pills I took, I have relied on that one the most.  So much so I cried on the way home thinking about what I had to give up.  It was going to be as if someone took away my smart phone and told me to use a rotary phone for 3 months.

The ability to know when my period was going to come, and to know that I wasn't going to be a hormonal wreck every month, as well as being torn down by terrible cramps for 5-7 days was a godsend.

My husband understood as soon as I said I'd have to go off birth control pills.  The doctor asked if I was worried about getting pregnant, and I told her that was last on a long list of things that worried me.  She asked me if I was scared of getting pregnant, and I told her at my current weight, yes.  She said "Don't worry, I will take care of it if you get pregnant."  I wanted to ask "Like in the mob kind of way, or...?"

I just want to feel pretty again.  I want to be skinny and wear a bikini and go to the beach without feeling like everyone is watching me.  I want to get a haircut and feel good about myself.  I want to live again.

These next three months better be worth it.

A Word about STFU Parents

In the past few weeks the author of STFU Parents outed herself on the Rickie Lake show. She's written about the responses she's been getting, and it's overwhelming how much fire she's come under because of this.

She's being very diplomatic about this whole thing, because if I were her I'd bring up the fact that she doesn't make this shit up.  Parents; you are driving people crazy, and you refuse to take responsibility for the fact that you honest think we care what your kid's poop looks like!

Are you even thinking about that kid's future?  All this stuff is online forever, so your kid's bathtime photo is now available to every potential employer and spouse.  Nothing is sacred anymore, and you are taking away your child's right to privacy on the most basic level.  You are also teaching them that nothing is sacred and grooming them to be fodder on the playground as well as giving their full name out to those creeps that shouldn't be on the playground.

An occasional picture of them fully clothed and poop free is just fine, but know that every time someone Googles your child's name that picture is shown.

And don't blame STFU Parents for having this blog because she doesn't have a child.  That is the weakest excuse I've ever heard.  Someone told her she'll really appreciate the online community she'll have when she has kids.  THAT IS SO NOT EVEN THE POINT.  She gets submissions (she doesn't troll for them at all) from Social Media, not websites solely dedicated to babies and all their poopy goodness.  She's never stated she was against social forums for that kind of thing.  In fact, this week no one has allowed her to say much at all.  She's just being yelled at that she's jealous because she is "childless."

On a personal note, I enjoy the crap (literally) out of her site.  And it's possible that I am not physically able  to have children.  So everyone telling her that she'll change when she has kids...makes me think how hurtful everyone is being if she is in the same boat.  Everything they are saying about being a great mom community is shot to hell with the statements they've been making.

Everything you do has consequences, as I'm sure this post will for me.  But I accept that.

P Diddy

I bought new lip balm to wear when I go to sleep so I don't get chapped lips, not realizing it was actually colored a cotton candy pink.

I realized that with my black roots coming into my blonde hair, with my pink lips....she might wake up feeling like P Diddy, but I wake up looking like Ke$ha.

A Waste of Time

At first, I was feeling better.  I am feeling better.  I don't feel like it's too much effort to wash my hair anymore.  But the weight is still there, and I'm still not eating enough to maintain it, but it remains on me.

I don't have enough energy to work out.  I did about an hour today and felt like I needed a nap.  I don't feel like I did enough.  I don't feel like anything is going to be good enough.  I feel like I'm stuck.  Even reaching out to see if there is a friend in this town that wants to do anything, and all I get is a "Where's your husband?" as if he abandoned me, and if he was available, I would NEVER want to hang out with anyone else ever.
-_-

Marriage has ended all my friendships.  I want to give up.  I feel like living is a waste of my time.

All or Nothing

When we first moved to the bigger city, I made a promise to myself to never let an opportunity pass me by.  The first few years tons of new experiences came my way, and I took them all.  It was all new and exciting, and I had lots of fun.  It was fun.

Until it wasn't.

I just realized today that my promise to myself had been broken.  I don't take opportunities anymore.  Everything can be done later, or never.

Now that I have the energy, I've got to pick up where I left off.

And the clouds parted, and it was a partly cloudy day.

2 weeks ago, I woke up.  Truly woke up, and for the first time in many, many years (possibly a decade) I felt like doing something that day.  I had energy.

I had no idea how bad I had felt until I felt better.  This means that the thyroid meds are finally working.  I was contemplating suicide daily, but just didn't have the energy.  Maybe because I was already a little depressed, it pushed me to the edge.

Either way, I'm glad it's over, although a little worried that it could come back.  Until then, it's been so nice being normal.  Making plans to do something that required being physical and not dreading it with my life, but looking forward to it.

I actually hurt my back today, clearing out 4 bags of clothes and shoes from my closet.  I cleared out another closet so that I could actually fit all our luggage inside it.  It felt good hauling all the trash away.  I had plans to play tennis with a friend later today, but she never called.  It's the first time in weeks I was glad to rest.

I got on the scale yesterday and I had lost a pound.  Nothing special, and it could just be back tomorrow, but it's a start.  I feel like I'm on my way.

More Death?

My mom told me today that my uncle only has a few days, or months, to live.  I sent him an email telling him that I love him.  I didn't really get a chance to tell anyone else that.

I don't want to deal with another death.