Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Dumb Boys, and Who is Airwolf?

DragonFly, the picture-taking-parrot-loving-fool, asks:

“I really want to know…why are boys so dumb? I mean, why do you have to spell everything out for them? They take no signs, no hints and are oblivious to everything…”

I know on the surface boys look dumb. You’ve actually said it yourself; they are oblivious. We as girls over-think EVERYTHING! We are always on the lookout for signs, hints, and anything that something is going to happen. I’m not sure exactly why, but men just don’t work like that. They think “that girl is cute…I wonder if she likes me.” In the meantime we are thinking “Did he just touch my hand like that because he likes me?” Girls look for signs while guys just…wonder. Now-a-days it has to be the woman who clubs the man over the head and drag her off to her cave.

Do you want to know why a man loves a confidant woman? Because they don’t have to do any work. They just sit back and let it happen. The best thing you can do is just go after the guy with gusto. They are simple creatures who very rarely say no.

Rod, my favorite independent film guy, asks many questions! The first of which is this:

“Who’d win in a fight, Knight Rider or Airwolf, and why?”

Well, now that is a close call. It’s hard to answer, you see, because Knight Rider is amazing in defense, while Airwolf is all about the offense. Knight Rider had all sorts of cool gadgets to figure things out, and it was nearly impervious. It could get hit with a machine gun and it wouldn’t even ruin the paint job! On the other hand, there were really only a few episodes where they outfitted it with a laser or something, but they always ended up not having anything long term. Airwolf was made especially for battle, however. That, and Airwolf was faster than fast. I think it would end in a draw, like in Freddy vs. Jason. (Did I just ruin that for someone? I bet I did…and I bet no one cares!)

However, if you are talking about the men who man these machines and not the machines themselves, then it’s gotta be David Hasslehoff. How could you not love that guy?

Rod’s other questions answered and more all this week! If you would like to ask me anything, leave it as a comment!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Miss G's Real Friends

The crazy haired but ever so lovable Miss G. asks;

“I want to know what makes a real friend. I’ve had some real interesting people as friends who turned out to be total duds. I feel I need some sort of friend radar now. As I recall, from way back when, you had some friend duds too. Got any advice?”

From way back when? Here in Two Drink Land, the friend duds never seem to end! You think you can trust someone, you think they know what it takes to be your friend, and yet…they deny you time and time again. I think there should be a form to read when applying for your best friend position. It would say something like this;

This is how I define a friend;

When I say “I hate the sky” she counters with “Yeah, fuck the sky!” (thanks Jamie, I love this line!)

When I’m in the wrong about a situation, never, ever tell me. I’ll come to that conclusion on my own. Your job is to cheer me up and tell me that everything is going to work itself out.

I don’t want to hear that my boyfriend is cheating on me. You tell me this and I’ll blame you and our relationship will never be the same. Make sure you are never the person to tell me this. You know that phrase “Don’t shoot the messenger?” There is a reason that is around; we always blame the messenger. Make someone else tell us, or trick us into finding it out for ourselves. Never admit that you knew.

Don’t make it feel like you are doing me a favor when we ask to go to the movies or just hang out. If you really have something pressing to do, then say you can’t hang out. I will understand. If you go out and then guilt me about how you didn’t get your work done the day before, you are not a real friend.

Do not talk about me to our mutual friends. You know it’s going to get back to us, just keep your damn mouth shut or talk about us to someone we don’t know. Knowing that you are talking about me behind my back is a bigger letdown than whatever you were talking about in the first place. There is nothing worse than a backstabber.

If there is something bothering you, talk to me about it as soon as possible. When you let it fester, you piss me off. You might as well just end the friendship and keep walking.

Don’t be a “best friend collector.” There is nothing worse than sitting around with your best friend and her saying “Oh, my best friend said this.” Girl, I’m your best friend. When you have a best friend in every city, and a “best friend from camp” or whatever, then the whole specialness of being your best friend has worn off. Fast.

You give what you get as well. You tell me that I’m wrong about how I’m handling a situation, then I’m gonna tell you your boyfriend was cheating on you. Eye for an eye.

I'm not into ghetto poetry, but I really like this one, so I'll end on it:

You My Homie
You Mad, I'm Mad
You Fight, I Fight
You Hurt, I Hurt
You Jump Off A Bridge...I'm gonna miss your stupid dumb ass.

(Don't forget to ask me a question in the comments!)

Monday, April 24, 2006

Wimpy Men, Size, and Smart Women

It’s an all Rod Post! And now, the answers:

“Do men tend to be too macho or too wimpy nowadays. Which would you prefer, if you had to choose one or the other?”

Oh, if a girl had to choose. This is where it gets really, really hard. You see, all girls go through the “bad boy” stage. We dream that a bad boy will come riding in on his motorcycle and his black clothes and throw us on the back and ride off into the sunset. We dream that once in that sunset, he will tell us how sometimes classical music makes him cry.

So you see, we want it all. If one had to choose, a girl would choose macho every time. She would regret the decision, but there is something about a man taking charge that will bring even the biggest feminist to her knees. Not literally….stop that! (Watch for feminist to tirade on the comments….now!)

“Does size really matter? Inquiring male minds want to know… and, uh, just because I’m asking doesn’t mean I’m worried. Hey, you said I could ask anything!”

Size always matters. It just depends on the situation. Let me put it this way; sometimes you like to make love, and sometimes you just want to have sex. Girls come in all shapes and sizes, but it’s only the ones into S&M that really want a big one heading their way. You know that sound “Fill me up (buttercup)”? Think about what that song is really about!

“If girls are so smart, why don’t they understand men? (sorry Dragonfly!)”

Because we are so smart we over think how men actually work. We have a very very hard time believing that you really say what you mean and mean what you say. And when we ask you what you are thinking, it really is just you wondering who would win in a fight; Airwolf or Knight Rider! (sorry, I just couldn’t resist. It’s not that it’s not important, it’s just not what we think you are thinking about)

So do your girl a favor, gentleman, and next time she asks you what you are thinking, just answer, in the most sincere manner possible;

“I was thinking about how lucky we are to have each other. We might have our differences and our fights, but at the end of the day I’m so happy to be the one who got you.”

It will completely fuck with them, and who doesn’t love a woman with steam coming out her ears? (wow, I’m really in for it now, the girls’ are gonna kill me now!) Remember, I stood up for you in the last post girls! Right? Right? ::whimper::

Leave your question for me to answer in the comments!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Inner Psychologist

Sometimes my inner psychologist gets the best of me, and I wish I could psycho-analyze certain types of people. Not that there is anything wrong with any of these people, but I just want to get inside their head and find out what makes them tick. Here are just a few;

Bouncers/Bodyguards Who Work in Nightclubs
I want to know how they got into this job. How does one decide that they will become a bouncer? Do they feel like they can hit on the chicks because of their job, or do they not because they want to keep their job? Do they still get turned on by all the hot chicks, or have they had to deal with so many drunk ones their taste for them is gone? Where do they go if they want to go out and have fun? Is it easier to have a girlfriend, or stay single in that environment?

Doctors/Nurses That Are Residents of Hospitals
How do you deal with death on a daily basis? Do you go home and just cry some nights? Do you feel that you are somehow responsible for some of the patients that you treat that don’t come out 100%? Does working at the hospital most resemble E.R. or Gray’s Anatomy (or neither)?

The Guy going to clubs and trying to hook up at age 45
I’m going through a huge quarter-life crisis right now, and I can just imagine the guys that fool themselves into thinking they are still 21. What is running through these guys heads? Do they really think they are going to hook up with a 21 year old blonde bimbo? When you only have Bud Light in your ‘fridge and club shirts in your closet, do you ever stop to think about the future?

Religions that Don’t Have Holidays
You don’t have any days to look forward to!

Religions that Do Celebrate Holidays
Don’t you feel stupid looking forward to holidays, when you know they are just any other day?

Someone who is the opposite of me in every way
Because really, who wouldn’t want to know how that mind worked???

Friday, April 07, 2006

"At 23 I thought I would be somebody" ~Reality Bites

You are flipping channels and you see it; That Movie. The movie that you loved so much as a kid and haven’t seen in forever. You settle in and wait for the memories to flood back.

Two hours later you sit in front of the TV, floored. This was the movie you loved so much? You were a kid when you watched it last, but there was so much sexual innuendo and violence. Or, even worse, it hits you differently. You find yourself identifying with the parents instead of the children of the story.

When you were a kid you remember thinking “When I have children I am NOT going to treat them like that.” Now you see where the parents are coming from. You would do the same thing the parents did. You feel like if your 7 year-old self was standing before you, she’d be bitterly disappointed in the way you’ve turned out.

There have been so many movies over the years that have done this to me. I never realized the sexual tension between Gena Davis and Jeff Goldblum…The realness of Reality Bites…the struggle of Angela’s parents on My So-Called Life. Hell, I was unaware that there was an abortion in Dirty Dancing until a few years ago when I watched it again. I just thought she had a bad flu or something.

People put so much emphasis on not letting children see anything sexy. A movie can show someone’s head being ripped off and get a lower rating than a tame love scene. If they are afraid of children growing up and doing what they see in movies, I’d rather they fall hopelessly in love than go on a killing spree. It goes over their heads more than you think.

My mom never told me I couldn’t see anything because it was R rated or unfit. I think limiting a child to what they can see is like telling a child they aren’t smart enough to understand, and no one likes to be told that. I hope I remember to do that when I’m a parent.