Friday, June 28, 2013

Doctor Hitler

I had a horrible experience with a doctor.  I don't think I can deal with this anymore.  I'll never know what is wrong, and there will never be anyone to help me.

But then, minutes later, everything doesn't seem so bad.  I can get another doctor and make it through this.  I'll be thin and happy within 2 years, and everything will be okay.  Maybe Dr. Hitler will work out, and this three month period she wants me to wait will work everything out.

The whole world feels as bi-polar as I feel right now about the rest of my life.

Friday, May 24, 2013

I just want to be pretty...

I'm going home next week, and looking forward to getting a haircut.  Mostly because my fatigue is so bad that just the weight of my long hair gives me a headache by the end of the day.

I keep going back and forth on wanting to get a pixie cut.  I want one, but I'm worried that I'm so overweight I'll give off more of a butch lesbian rather than a Ginnifer Goodwin vibe.

Summer is here as well, and the fact that I can't go out and sit in the sun depresses me.  I can't find anything that fits my body.  I want so badly to have energy and be 70 pounds lighter.

I saw a Endocrinologist this week.  She was a very strong personality that told me that she didn't think the problem was my thyroid.  She said I might not even be Hypo anymore. 

She thinks she knows what's wrong, but wants to "try something" first.  She asked me to go off my birth control pills for 3 months.  It was in that moment I realized out of all the pills I took, I have relied on that one the most.  So much so I cried on the way home thinking about what I had to give up.  It was going to be as if someone took away my smart phone and told me to use a rotary phone for 3 months.

The ability to know when my period was going to come, and to know that I wasn't going to be a hormonal wreck every month, as well as being torn down by terrible cramps for 5-7 days was a godsend.

My husband understood as soon as I said I'd have to go off birth control pills.  The doctor asked if I was worried about getting pregnant, and I told her that was last on a long list of things that worried me.  She asked me if I was scared of getting pregnant, and I told her at my current weight, yes.  She said "Don't worry, I will take care of it if you get pregnant."  I wanted to ask "Like in the mob kind of way, or...?"

I just want to feel pretty again.  I want to be skinny and wear a bikini and go to the beach without feeling like everyone is watching me.  I want to get a haircut and feel good about myself.  I want to live again.

These next three months better be worth it.