The Miracle of Life

There was a death in the family this month.  Like all deaths, it was expected yet unexpected.  It was a parent of my husband's this time, which is altogether a different thing from 2009 when I dealt with my side of the families deaths.

This week I watched the Hanukkah lights slowly burn down and finally out, like life.  I have to be strong for my husband, but in that moment, with the lights one by one going out, I let myself think about how life is like a candle, starting out burning bright, and slowly going out.

I started the year about to turn 30, and without a job.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and started thinking that maybe those weekly pill boxes might not be such a bad idea after all.  I did have a job lined up, and I managed to keep it before the end of the year, which has been nice.  I hope to get my thyroid medication working next year, enough so I can lose weight and think about having a baby.  Maybe.

I want to have the energy to enjoy life, before death comes knocking at my door.

New Car, New Life

I got a new car, and a few weeks after I got a new shift at work.  A shift that required me to wake up about the time that I was usually going to sleep.

It's been pretty bad, but the worst of it isn't that I have to wake up early, but the fact that in order to get 8 hours of sleep, I have to be asleep by 7pm.  People always say that it's awesome to get off of work early, but honestly when you have to be in bed by the time senior citizens are eating dinner, it pretty much kills life.

Thankfully, we just had another shift bid and I'm back to being a night owl again, which is what I love.  I also have a person I love back on my team at work, and 1 day off with my husband again instead of zero, which is nice.  It will be great to be back on the same sleep schedule, where we share a bed for more than 2 hours at a time.

When I posted a picture of my car on FB, my 6th grade best friend said "this car is totally you" which meant so much to me.  I feel like I'm getting my life back a little.

If only my thyroid meds were working better.  It's been 6 months, and all I've ended up losing is 4 pounds.  I'm eating under how many calories I'm burning a day, and 4 pounds is all I've lost.  And I'm still very tired all the time.  I guess that means it's time for another doctor's appointment.

The Mom Car

So, I hate my car.  I've hated my car since I've gotten it in 2006.  I was forced into buying it, and sometimes I wish I had thrown money into my first car and just kept it.  My car now feels like a mom car, and I hate feeling fat and old in it.

My car is now approaching 100,000 miles, the magic number where you can't get anything for it.  I feel like my sentence should be up with this car, and I want it out.  I want a car that I connect with.  Maybe I watch too many Herbie movies, but my first car and I had a relationship.  I talked, it listened, we worked as a team together.  I had a connection with it, and we were good together.  I want that again.  I want to trade in my mother-in-law of a Camry for something younger, hipper, and more me.

I test drove a couple different cars the other day, and I found myself thinking more into the future with my car choice.  The car I choose will be the one I cart my future kids around in.  I don't want to be the mom that doesn't think about her kid's comfort and carts them around in a tiny car.  On the other hand, I'm not going to go out and buy a mini-van and drive it around for 2 years before I have kids.

I can't believe that I'm thinking about cars and babies at the same time.  This is silly.  I'm picking out a mom car.

Uneasy

I went to get my blood test and see where my thyroid was.  Everyone I've talked to said that it would take at least a year before anything would happen for me, and to just be patient.  Everyone told me this so much, in fact, that I called and left a message with the doctor to just call me and let me know when they'd called my new prescription into the pharmacy and I'd go pick it up.

I got a message back from one of the nurses to call her.  I didn't understand why she just didn't call in the prescription and leave me a message.  After an entire day of playing phone tag, she finally called me when I was able to answer the phone.

"So, your level is at a 2.(something).  You're fine.  You can keep taking what you are taking."  I was shocked.  I had no idea how to respond, because so far I'd felt no improvement.  Sure, my limbs weren't losing circulation the way they used to, and it felt like the depression was gone, but I associated that mostly with being able to work again, and having such amazing co-workers.  But, apparently, something that took everyone else years to accomplish, I'd gotten in 6 weeks.

"I don't feel any different.  I still have no energy, and I haven't lost any weight." I told her.  She responded with give it a couple of weeks, and make an appointment if nothing had changed.  Maybe it was something else, she said.  I don't want anything else wrong with me.  I just want people to stop asking me when I'm due.

Then the last week of training at work, something happened that just happened to take place beside me, and I almost lost my job.  I can't get into it, it's far too convoluted, but it made me think I might not want to be at this company.  They were asking things of me that compromised my integrity.  They also basically made me dance like a monkey for them in order to keep my job.  Then they told me that I had to tell my new supervisor the whole story, as part of my punishment.  I'm still waiting for the Scarlett "A" that I'll need to sew onto all my clothes.

My new crew doesn't seem like this, which makes me pray it was an isolated incident with those particular supervisors.  I really need the money, and the emotional support.

The Most Amazing Thing

I had 4 weeks worth of beginners training at my new job.  I start 3 more weeks of deep training next week.  I'm still in awe, because when I lost my last job they told me they couldn't take 8 hours out of their busy schedule to train me on something that people have degrees in.  My new job is entry level and I get 7 weeks of training.  Huge difference.

The last three days of training we got into groups and did a scavenger hunt.  We went all around the office, doing all the tasks and taking pictures to post to Twitter to show the trainers what we were doing, and learning about the culture of the company.  It was fun, it was great teambuilding, and we had a blast.

On Friday we had to do a presentation about what we did, and I edited together a video and set it to the current #1 pop song.  It's the perfect montage song, and we ended up winning the challenge.  We were given a $100.00 giftcard to go out with the team to a nice dinner.

All at once, without any talk, my team just gave me the gift card.  They told me to take my husband to a nice meal, and we'd all go out to eat some other time and to have fun.  Because I edited a video that helped us to win.

These are the amazing people I'm working with now.  Ones that recognize that I worked hard and gave me the credit.  I'm not sure that's ever happened to me.

A Bi-Polar Week

I started my new job last week.  It is everything and more that was promised, and I love it there.  While I'm in training, and for hours afterward, I was really happy, all week.  We all went out for happy hour on Friday, and I had an awesome time.

But today I've had time to think, time to regress back a little and think about other things in my life.  The week before I was back home visiting and helping out at a show.  I love being home because it's so much better than my current town, which is vapid and everyone is a fake.

But something happened back home.  I saw a friend in a different light, and it changed our friendship.  I no longer want to call her up and tell her how my week went, because I have the sneaking suspicion that she really doesn't care. I began noticing that whenever she called, it was about a problem she was having, and there seemed to be no time for my worries.  Her troubles with her boyfriend far outshown my new issues with my thyroid problem.  She even seemed to ignore the fact that I'd told her before I came that not only would I be tired all the time, but I'd be a little cranky too.  She insisted on bringing a friend with us everywhere who I don't like, and I really didn't like the way she was treating her new boyfriend.

While I was there she seemed to grow impatient with me if I didn't answer her texts right away, even though she knew I was out trying to help my mom.  Yet she showed up late to places and it seemed to be okay.  It seemed like she had become the kind of person that I avoided.  I hated that I felt like I was losing a friend.  Even on the last day I was there, after telling her to please call me before she flaked out on me, she called a solid few hours after she was supposed to show up to say she wasn't going to show up.  I felt hurt and betrayed, and then after some mis-communication I got another passive aggressive note from her, in a public forum.  It was the final nail in the coffin for me.

I've even given her the address for this blog, and told her how much writing means to me, but she's never logged on.  Maybe someday she will, and she'll see this, and know it was about her.  But somehow I think not.

So I left home disheartened, but waking up at 5AM the next morning for the job.  The job is so great though.  I was so happy all week, riding along on a cloud.  Everyone I met I loved, and I feel like I'm finally making friends in this town.  But today I'm thinking about it, and I'm sad about a friend that I feel like I've lost.  In her mind, nothing has gone wrong at all.  That makes me more sad.

The Pep Talk

In almost 7 hours I will be 30.  My New Years Resolution was to not fret about this.  To think about it in a positive light.  To not concentrate on how I should've accomplished more by now, but by how now everyone will take me seriously because I'm not a "twentysomething."

It's hard.  But it will come, and time will pass.  I can't stop time from coming, and I will be another year older.  I've been sick for the past few days, and have no plans tomorrow because I have no friends in this town.  Sure, I might get a few posts on my stupid Facebook Wall, but that's all that is happening tomorrow.  Even my mom said "give me a call tomorrow if you feel better."

For some reason I keep thinking about how my 21st birthday didn't turn out the way I wanted it to either.  It was smack in the middle of spring break, and everyone went on vacation.  I had my then future husband and my family.  We went to my favorite prime rib joint, and then the future hubby and I went to the bar for a drink.  The bartender asked for my ID, and didn't even wish me a happy birthday.  We shared a big fishbowl drink that was sort of tasty, but way too big.  Then he just drove me home, and I went to bed.  No party, no big deal made.  It just passed, and I was disappointed.  There were no surprises.

Tomorrow will be the same.  I'll wake up, we might go out to lunch before the hubby goes to work.  And then I'll be alone.  I'll make dinner, and I'll watch a movie, and I'll go to bed.  No fuss made, no surprises.

I'm not fond of this friendless pattern.  But when I think of posionious friends I've had, I'd rather be here then dealing with issues they have on my birthday.  At least my birthday belongs to me.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

"I can't wait..." has become my new catchphrase.  I say it out loud, but I say it more to myself.  I'm becoming a little obsessed with Future Me.

During mealtimes, I say to myself "I can't wait until my stomach is small enough that I can't use it as a table."

Looking in the mirror after a shower, "I can't wait until my tummy is smaller than my boobs."

Putting on a low cut shirt, "I can't wait until I drop from a C cup to a B cup again.  I look like a fat hooker.  There is no chance of 'perky' with a C cup."

Looking into my closet: "I can't wait until I fit into....any of these, really."

I just realized I need fat clothes for my first day of work in April.  Maybe I'll get some money for that from family...for my 30th birthday.

Sigh.  Is it the future yet?

"So, When Are You Due?"

While I was paying for my oil change today, I got the dreaded question, again.  The slightly older saleslady smiled at me and said "So, when are you due?"

It stings.  It always stings, but this time I knew it was because I wasn't looking forward to how it was going to feel the rest of the day.  I knew in my mind that it would haunt me the rest of the day.  It would eat away at my self esteem, until I was in sweatpants on the couch watching "Pretty Little Liars" feeling incredibly sorry for myself.

"The cars are ready" I texted my husband, who was inside the store; "forget about the ice cream on the list."

Don't Rain on My Parade

When I announced to friends and family that I had a thyroid condition, most expressed their relief that I was on my way to recovery.  A couple of good friends knew my struggle to lose weight, some even saw it firsthand.  But, there were a couple of people that were quick to be negative.  They said my problems wouldn't all solve themselves with this news, and that it might even be other problems on top of the thyroid and I still wouldn't lose weight.

I thought, "Really, the only thing I am is fat.  If I can lose weight, the rest of my problems will take care of themselves, because they're a complication of being fat.  Then I happened to look into the specific thyroid condition that I had, and more things became clear.

I had thought that the depression of not having a job had made me extra lazy, until some family came in this weekend and we went out.  After a couple of hours I really wanted to go and die.  The thought of the walk back to the car made me want to cry.  We played Apples to Apples the next night, and I had a hard time enunciating words during the game, long before the drinking even started.  After just one drink I just stopped talking unless the words were less than two syllables so I wouldn't slur.

First symptom of hypothyroidism: Fatigue and Sluggishness.

They wanted Hot Dogs this weekend, so we went to a famous hot dog "stand" that turned out to be just that.  We had to eat outside, and even though the temperature was a windy 65 F, by the end of the meal I couldn't feel my ears, nose, or hands.

Second symptom of hypothyroidism: Increased sensitivity to cold.

After a game of Apples to Apples, we moved on to Drunken Uno.  After awhile I realized I was holding my cards with one hand, and stretching my arm with the other, then alternating.  My legs hurt because of all the walking we had done that morning, but I hadn't worked out my arms at all.  Why did they hurt so much?

Third symptom of hypothyroidism: muscle aches, tenderness, and stiffness/Pain, stiffness, and swelling in your joints.

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"  I asked my family member.  Her hair is long, and healthy looking, and amazing.  I've never had amazing hair, but it has always been very thick and easy to manage.  Lately I've been wondering why the old standby shampoos haven't been doing much for me.  I've changed shampoos so often lately that it just became part of my regime when shopping: I never buy the same shampoo twice.  I just thought they were making shampoos more and more crappy.  I'd also been using my cortisone cream more and more often, but never thinking anything of it because I live in the middle of the desert where it's always 0% humidity.

Fourth symptom of hypothyroidism: Dry, brittle skin and hair.

I think this thyroid thing is going to solve more problems than I even knew I had.

Results

I sat in the doctors office, my heart pounding.  My mind kept going back to all those reality shows with the obese people sweating through a workout.  I was going to have to go on one of those shows.  Obviously all the working out and eating right were not going to be enough.  The doctor was going to tell me nothing was wrong, that I was just a lazy fat person.  I was only going to get bigger, and soon even Lane Bryant wouldn't be able to get me into clothes.

It was over.

He walked in the door and sat down.  I braced myself for the bad news.  Almost all I could hear was my heart in my ears.

"Well, you've got a thyroid condition, for sure.  Actually about 1 in 8 women have this; basically your thyroid just checked out.  You're tired all the time because your metabolism has been in the toilet for a long time.  Now, sadly, this is for the long term.  You'll be on this medication the rest of your life."

I looked up at him, relieved.  "I can live with that."

I think I can finally start to live again because of it.  I'm on my way back up.

Hand Holding, Fist Clenching

That little virus I had turned into a week-long sickness that made me glad I didn't have to call into work.  Since Job A doesn't start until April, I have a long time to basically do all the things I wanted to do but never had time for.

I had decided if offered Job B, I wouldn't accept it.  I would be leading them on, and then leaving them in a ditch within a few weeks, as Job B wasn't going to start until March.  I knew that wasn't the whole reason I didn't want to accept the job.  Though the job was perfect for me, the interviewer sort of rubbed me the wrong way.

When asked to describe the job, she answered with "Well, I don't do a lot of hand-holding here."  With that term, I flashed back to my old job where I had asked someone to show me how to do something I'd never done before, and the response was "Look, I can't sit here and hold your hand through this."  I think people who use this term are of a certain kind of people.  The kind that want you to read their mind and get everything right the first time, so you are screwed no matter what you do.

In the interview I was asked if I required a lot of "hand holding."  After inwardly wincing, I answered honestly, and said that training needed to happen or all was lost no matter what job it was. 

"Look," I said, "Starting any new job is like someone slapping a fish down in front of you and telling you to fillet it.  They don't give you a knife, they don't 'hold your hand,' they just tell you to fillet the fish and walk away.  What would you do?  I always ask for guidance on things, examples, places to look so I can figure it out on my own.  But I don't know about you, but I have no idea how to fillet a fish, and I'm not about to waste anyone's time hacking one up just to see if I can happen upon the right way to do it.  I'm the sort of person who likes to get it right the first time."

I really think the rest of the interview went very well, she even seemed to respect and admire my fish analogy.  I asked her how the office ran, as it was between only a few people in a small office.  She said they talked rather than emailed and kept a very close relationship.  I told her I also would rather talk than use an email to communicate important things.

A few days afterward I sent her a thank you note, and indicated I hoped to hear from her in the coming weeks.  When I decided I wouldn't take the job I forgot all about it, until yesterday I got....yeah, an email from her telling her they were going with someone else.  I felt relief, because I didn't have to turn anything down, and a little sad, because I wasn't wanted.  But, after remembering her speech about communication and "hand holding," I knew I was better off.  I was ready to move on.

And I went to get blood work done today to find out if I have a thyroid issue.  And despite my intense fear of needles, I didn't ask for a butterfly needle this time, took all 6 vials like a champ, and didn't even whimper.

I wasn't able to unclench my fist or relax when told to, but at least they didn't have to hold me down.

TMI?

Monday I had to wake up early to go to the doctor.  I told him about all my symptoms, he agreed it might be a thyroid condition, and set me up for blood work to be done next week.  While I was there I asked him to take a look at my tonsil, which had a white spot on it.  I just wanted to make sure it was nothing serious.  He told me it was the beginning of an infection, just gargle with salt water and it should come out.  He said he didn't feel it warranted antibiotics, and I agreed.  It really just felt like I had a bit of food stuck in my throat, otherwise I felt fine.

Later in the afternoon I went to the interview with Job A.  The interviewer was a very nice guy, but seemed to be holding back, as if peaking at me through a set of drapes.  He dissed my resume, saying I should have dates and my entire job history on it.  I mentioned I used to work at a video store, he asked if I had seen a particular obscure movie.  I didn't know it, that seemed to be a point against me.  I found myself floundering on questions I normally would've answered with conviction.  Then a team leader came in, and apparently she was on the "good cop" side, because I had no problems connecting to her and showing my stuff. 

I was returned to the first guy to take a test, which, once we got to the testing area, was being used.  He turned to me, saying "I assume you know how to cut and paste?" He asked.  "I'm a master cut and paste-er." I said, and he laughed.  He told me to send him a complete resume and he'd get in touch with me.

I felt like he didn't like me.  I really wasn't sure, he really did seem to hide behind a veil, as if he didn't want someone to see how he actually was.  It shook me, and I was sure I had screwed it up.

The anxiety grew more and more as the day wore on, and I couldn't stop my mind from freaking out about my whole life.  I started to wonder why I hadn't asked the doctor that morning for some anti-depressants.  Obviously this wasn't getting any better...what was I going to do? 

At 2AM I finally laid down to try and sleep, and felt something come from the back of my throat onto my tongue.  I went to the bathroom and spit it out, and it was the spot on my tonsil.  It was the size of a peppercorn, and I was grossly intrigued by it.  I went and got a flashlight and looked at my tonsil, and saw a huge hole in it.

Suddenly, seeing that crazy hole, I felt better.  It was the same feeling that cutters describe, the release of concentrating on a physical pain instead of the emotional pain.  I suddenly knew everything was going to be okay.  My throat started to hurt, but I took some medication and went to bed.

By the next morning, Job A called to say I got the position.

Subconscious, Subconscious, Go Away

My mom was sitting on the couch, watching an old family movie.  I knew she would do this when it was time, so I put it in for her and we sat and watched it together, holding hands. 

She looked over at me and told me to take care of my sister, and not to be worried that this is how she had decided to end her life; before her health got too bad and the "quality of life" was down.  I told her she wasn't leaving me with many instructions, like what belonged to who in the house.  She said I could figure it out, and walked out of the room.

I awoke with a start, 6:00AM.  This time I didn't burst into tears right away and wake my husband, I held it together until I could leave the room.  Then I sobbed, and worried that my dream was prolific, and wanted to call my mom right away.  It took me 15 minutes to realize it was Saturday and when I talked to her last night she said she hoped the cat didn't wake her up because she wanted to sleep in.  I emailed her to call me, and now I sit and wait to see if my subconscious is correct, or if I have to just stop watching the last season of Buffy before I go to bed at night.

1 down...

I just finished my interview with Job B.  It sounds like something I'd be really good at, and she said it's basically going to turn into doing the social media for all the employees of the property.  It's a lot of writing, and I love writing.  I really think I can do it, but I just don't know.  I'll be called next week to either be out of the running or in for a second interview.

My mom and one of my friends said I should take job B if offered, and then if it doesn't work out, just quit and take job A (If I got Job A it wouldn't start until April, which would give me time to see if I like Job B).  I just don't know, it seems wrong.

I guess I'll figure out how I feel after Monday's interview.  Wish me luck!

Self Esteem at an all time low

I think what I need, more than anything right now, is someone that knows me really well to remind me of how awesome I used to be.  Because right now, I feel worthless.  I feel stupid and not worth anyone's time.  I feel so alone.

I got an email today to interview for another job (Job B)on Friday.  The job that I've been waiting for (Job A) is set for me to interview on the 31st.

Job A was voted a top Forbes "Best Place to Work."  It's answering phones and doing customer service, but it has potential to do more of the things I'm interested in.

Job B pays more.  I've worked for the company before, however, and there is NO chance of them being a "Best Place to Work" anytime this century.  I've been burned by them before.  But this is a different location, and it's, please excuse the expression, "a grown up job."  But, with grown up positions come grown up consequences.  I can see myself working too many hours and it losing it's fun quickly.

I'm still shell shocked from the last job.  I gave it my all, and I got dumped.  My job situation is very very very much like dating.  I had a guy, the guy wanted to take it to the next level, I said okay.  Then he got distant and moody.  I keep asking to have a talk with him, but he ignored me, and then without any warning dumped me.  I've been dumped before, and I'm gun-shy about it now.  I almost feel like what's the point?  I'm going to end up getting hurt anyway, and is it something I'm doing?  Is it me?  Is it the guys(job)?  And what do I want to do with my life anyway?

My New Years Resolution to myself was to not worry about turning the big 3-0.  To take life lightly, and let myself off the hook about feeling like I'm not where I wanted to be in my life.  Does that mean taking Job A?  Because if I really wanted an important job when I turn 30 in a couple of months, Job B would be it.

I'm lost.  I'm alone in my feelings, and it feels like no one understands how horrible I feel about my whole life.

Inner Voices Vs. Inner Child

I read a sentence from a book on Amazon that said "Can you separate the voices of your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media, and Hollywood from the voice of yourself--your own inner voice?"

It's a good question, and one that I have been feeling a lot of lately.  It's hard to think about something as lame as a car while I'm unemployed and just want to find a job to make it by on...but it seems to be something I'm coming back to.

I was pushed into buying what I consider a "mom car" a few years ago.  It's almost paid off, but in the meantime we've had a hell of a time together.  $5,000 worth of damage from a hit and run, and about $6,000 of solving a pesky "check engine" light problem.  It doesn't quite feel like it has power steering...ever.  I have to back in and out of every parking spot to get into it straight.  The gas tank is enormous, and nearly puts me out of house and home every time I have to fill it up.

I have another car in mind.  A dream car.  A car that reminds me more of my first car; compact, sporty, everything a Mom car is not.  Turns on a dime, has good gas milage, and the dealership has told me that I can basically get a new one and order everything that I want it to have, all the way down to a built in navigation system.

I've never had a new car.  My parents never owned a new car.  The idea of a car that is all mine and no one else's excites me.  I really want it.  I have all but promised it to myself as soon as I get a job and can afford it.

But, is it just me?  Is it my inner voice telling me what will make me happy and will be better in the long run?  Or is it my inner child wanting a toy that no one else has touched before?

It's the same with a lot of things lately.  The job I'm up for is a great company, and although it's a starter position, I have very high hopes for it.  So high that I'm deathly afraid I won't get it, and will be in serious trouble, because all other jobs have avoided my follow up calls and even outright rejected taking my resume.  The last 7 months has been very taxing on my self-esteem, and I just hope when I get into the interview, they don't see that.

Because I really want a new car.