Friendship

My mom just sent me a link to a story for this book, which is out tomorrow.  Basically it started with this woman having a horrible experience in college where she was basically backstabbed in the extreme by a bunch of girls from a sorority. 

As I read the article, I became more and more relived to find that I wasn't alone.  I've had two female friends my whole life that haven't been backstabbing, horrible individuals.  I wish I was exaggerating. 

One was my best friend in 6th grade.  We weren't the same person, but we fit together, and we were always there for each other.  I know people say that kind of dumb crap all the time, but in this case it was actually true.  If I was upset about anything, she would be there for me no matter what.  I can only recall one fight we ever had, and that ended with us bursting into laughter and forgetting the fight the second after it happened.

Nothing ever happened to break up our friendship, we just started hanging out with different people.  We went through junior high and high school never even seeing each other in the halls between classes.  She wasn't the type to join Facebook or even really have a computer at all, so I never expected to see her again.  As my life went on, through college and afterward, my mind sometimes wandered towards her, but her name was too common to Google without much luck.  I always hoped she was happy and everything was okay with her.  I knew I'd never really see her again.

Cut to last month, when I went with my husband to Disneyland to celebrate his birthday.  It was the end of our annual passes, and we were getting the most out of it, staying at the Grand Californian so we could go back to the hotel room whenever we wanted.  Hubby had convinced me to go on the Grizzly River Run for the first time.  I had avoided it because it was a water ride, and I desperately hate to get wet and then walk around all day in wet clothes.  I agreed to go if we went back to the hotel and I could change into my bathing suit and a cover up.

It turns out it's one of those wet rides where you are in a big round rubber tube with a bunch of other people.  It forces people to be social, since you really can't be on your cell phone when water is coming down all around you.  We talked with our group until the end of the ride, but it was a little difficult, since most of them didn't really speak English.  We decided we were a little wet, we might as well go again, since this would be our last time in the parks.  The second time was fun as well, more people spoke English.

As we exited, Hubby said "Ready to go back to the hotel?"  And for some reason, I wanted to go one last time.  It had been so lonely at home since losing my job, and I was really craving some interaction.  So one last time we went, and after the ride and an embarrassing fall down the stairs afterward (my shoes became so waterlogged, I fell) I knew I had reconnected with my 6th grade best friend. 

She was in the ride with us, next to my husband, with HER husband, who was...get this...celebrating his birthday.  They were staying at the same hotel, on the same floor, and we were leaving the next day, they had just arrived that day.  If that one moment hadn't come to pass, we would have never reconnected, never came across each other.  In fact it was her mannerisms, and not her face, that I recognized.  It was my gut that somehow knew she was who she was. 

It was one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me.  I feel like, because everything else has sucked lately, fate saw fit to give me a piece of what made me myself back.

And, as luck would have it, Facebook brought my other best friend back as well.

On the relationship front, life is good.

Making it Easy

It's so much easier to get over a situation when the other person becomes a deliberately terrible person.  Thank you, for reminding me exactly what I'm missing: A person who only thinks of themselves, and will be rude and uncalled for at the drop of a hat.

It's official.  It's over.

I've been putting off celebrating because I was afraid it would all just come back and I'd have the same problem.  Now, its over. 

I'm so going out for ice cream after work today.  I don't think it's an exaggeration to say life is going to get much better.  I'm going to sleep without dreams of this coming back to haunt me.  I'm going to be happier, have the energy to work out.

Everything is going to get better.

Off the Grid

I want so badly to be off the grid.  I go online and it's like idiot after idiot posting their stupid Facebook status updates.  Complaining about stuff they don't actually care about when it comes down to it, they just type to see themselves in print.

Whatever happened to only speaking if you had something to say?  It seems people just make excuses to speak now.  They say something without realizing what it is before it's halfway out of their mouths.

One of the people I follow on Twitter told me that he felt like he hit a moment of Zen when he walked away from Facebook for a week.  I'm thinking about that seriously.  I need to get off the grid and concentrate on working out and getting the new house ready for my Mom to see at the beginning of May.  I can't wait for her to come and see the new house and for us to go out and do stuff.  With the last time I saw her being the anniversary of my Dad's death, it wasn't exactly an exciting trip for the both of us.

It won't be that hard to go off the grid with Facebook.  Let's see how a week goes...

Dodging the Bullet

I'm about to be shot, and it's all my fault.

I told everyone that if I got to a certain weight, someone needed to shoot me. I thought, "There is no way anyone would let themselves get to that weight if they could help it."

I'm officially two pounds from a bullet to the enormous gut. My great idea of actually hitting my caloric intake everyday was a bad one. In the past few months, I've gained a few pounds instead of lost them. Apparently, I didn't need the amount of calories that everyone said I needed.

So, for fear of being shot, I'm buckling down. And I'm doing it my way.

First off, the gym is too far away and the classes, the only things I go to, are at times that aren't good for me. So I'm going to cancel my gym membership. I'm also willingly letting the house go to seed a little bit. The dust will be there tomorrow, my health might not be.

In order to make a change, I geeked out and bought Shape-Up shoes. I didn't intend to buy them, but I had a coupon so I walked into the store, intent to get a $50.00 pair of sneakers and have something comfortable to work for the weekend.

On a whim, I decided to try on the Shape-Ups, and was shocked to find it actually had a high arch support. My arches are so high that it's almost impossible to find shoes. Somehow, the inserts that I buy never quite work out either. So, usually, my shoes are uncomfortable. I hate shoes.

I know. I might be the only woman on the planet to udder that sentence.

Anyway, the shoes were amazing. And I was mad that they were amazing. Because they look stupid. Stupid and embarrassing, and I'm going to need longer pants to hide the shame.

On the plus side, I have a new Spice Girl name, and will be going on tour in early 2011.

Original Reality

So, I discovered recently that The Real World was in D.C. this season. I imagined trips to the Smithsonian and maybe a group job at the Senate.

I know, I should've known better. As of this writing, they haven't gone anywhere except to bars. They have, however, brought up some ever so interesting personal habits.

I think this girl's name is Ashley, but man on man she is a hot mess. She is overly defensive and confrontational, and I get where she's coming from, but she doesn't understand where everyone else is coming from. She is such a contradiction, from going to church to screaming at people and saying she can't trust anyone because her mom told her she never wanted to see her again.

It makes me really think about when I was that angry, and I wonder if everyone thought I was immature and stupid when I thought I was being strong and bold.

All of the girls in the house are kind of a mess, if only because they back up this girl's anger. Don't get me wrong, I do see where this girl's coming from. I emphasize with her immensely. I still come off as a bitch sometimes in order to keep people at a distance. It's a defense mechanism that always works.

But she takes it to this amazing extreme that keeps me coming back week after week. Which, I guess, is why she was cast. I just hope she sees this show and it's a wake up call for her to drop the bitch act for awhile.

Man Up, and Be Ready to Be Hurt

Remember getting those survey notes in school as a kid?

Do you want to go out with me? Circle yes or no

When you are a child, the entire world is new and rejection is something you want to avoid at all costs. We believed that it would hurt much less in a note than it would be face to face.

Simply put, children are just that; children.

Adults should be old enough to take rejection face to face. Anyone who goes through a social networking site should be shot down immediately.

I recently got an email on a social networking site with the subject line "confidential" and the body of the email only consisted of a male asking me if he thought my friend would date him.

You know that old saying, "If you have to ask, the answer is no?" That's the kind of answer I wanted to give this guy. Not only was he not man enough to ask her himself, but he wanted a old high-school fallback in case he would get rejected.

Advise to the men, direct from a woman: A girl will never fall for a guy who likes to work with a net like that. Think of all the classic men that women fall in love with throughout the ages; The rebel who takes what he wants, and makes girls swoon...the romantic (think Edward Cullen from the stupid Twilight Series), might look lovingly, but won't be pussy enough to give you a note. Love letter, maybe. The list goes on.

The one guy who will send the note will send off the air of uncertainty, and insecurity. Who wants to go out with the geek who will never get any because he's too busy sending notes instead of impressing the girl?

Hungry

My whole life, I was a flirt. I teased, I tormented. It was all in fun. I made sure I never offended and it was always wanted. It was what fed me, what made me feel good about myself, even if it was all faked.

Then I found him. He was all I needed. I stopped flirting, because I didn’t want him to feel as if he wasn’t enough, because he was. It was like the old adage; Out of sight, out of mind. I never quite thought about it again.

Occasionally there would be that spark, and I couldn’t help but tease someone out of affection for them. Not love or lust, mind you, just fun. I swear it creates endorphins; flirting was my workout. I was out of shape.

Recently I hit the flirting bottle hardcore, and when it was brought to my attention, it made me feel like shit. It felt like I had cheated, I felt like shit. I didn’t do anything that be construed as cheating, but I still felt terrible inside.

I was near tears driving home thinking about it, and then a song came on the radio (Human by The Killers). It’s rare that a song hits me at the right time and says the right thing. The main lyric is “Are we human/or are we dancer?” And it’s a good question. I’m only human, and it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, just as long as you eat at home.

A Blog about Nothing

For the past week and a half, my check engine light has been on. It shines up at me like a dysfunctional doomsday clock; I have no idea when this emergency will actually occur. Every once and awhile it will take some sort of coffee break and turn off for a few hours or even days. But it always comes back.

I decided to get an oil change today in case that might be the problem, since I'd checked and the oil was pretty dirty. Inevitably that means meandering around Walmart like Novalee Nation in Where the Heart Is. It's not happy.

So I decided to hoof it in the nasty 117 degree heat across the parking lot to the comic book store to pick up the new Buffy, Angel, and Spike comics (shut. it.) and back so that I had something to keep me busy for an hour.

I got back and my car hadn't moved, so I settled into the waiting room where I was joined in minutes by two unattended children. Both were maybe 6 or 7 years old, one skinny and one sadly humongous. Skinny immediately went over to the TV and turned it up and started flipping channels. Soon he realized that the only channel he was going to get was PBS, so he left it and went to a chair next to his sibling and started in on the ice cream sandwich he had been given in lieu of parenting.

You know what comes next; one kid with an ice cream sandwich, and another with a Klondike bar. It was only a matter of time before the entire floor was covered in chocolate. Still no parent in sight. I got a phone call so I took it away from the little brats. When I was done I came back in to finish my comics (I said shut. it.) only to find the floor covered in smeared chocolate (nothing like walking in it after you've dropped everything.) and....wait for it....

covered in ants.

Now I can't even sit down and read. I have to go outside, stand, and read.

Thankfully my car was done a few minutes later, and I opened my car door to find they had set my parking brake.

Had this been my old car, no big, it doesn't even work. But this was my new, hard, obnoxious car. The doors close on you when you aren't looking, I have the bruises to prove it. I sighed and went to work on trying to get the parking brake off.

15 minutes later I was throwing things and yelling. I got out of the car to head inside to ask someone to help me when I saw this huge man, the size of a lightweight sumo wrestler, crossing the parking lot. I begged him to help me, and he obliged.

I've always relied on the kindness of strangers.

An Artist Who Doesn't Understand Art.

I have a friend who started video blogging awhile back. It looked like it would be a lot of fun to do, so I got software and I've been messing around with it. It is, in fact, fun. I really enjoy cutting scenes together and wish I had more time for it.

So, my friend (who is driving me crazy for other reasons too, this is just the cherry) just posted this:

I'm still up in the air about whether or not to continue doing my video blog on a regular basis. Editing took up a lot of time, and recently we just haven't been compiling much footage for it. Viewership is pretty low, too. I think the last few blogs had about 20 views? Is there something you all want to see on an upcoming installment?

Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me? The only reason that he started video blogging was because he assumed people were interested? I'll be the first one to admit that the only people who understand or enjoy my video blog are my inner circle of friends. To anyone else, it's gibberish. It's full of inside jokes that NO ONE is going to get, or even understand. I don't care. It's fun. I like doing it and putting it up on the web so that those few people will watch it and laugh. I'm not setting out to make "The Real World" or "The Hills," I'm just stretching what I know and improving on it. Maybe someday I'll go to film school or just give it up, but It's not going to be based on how many people watch it on YouTube.

Why do people do things solely based on what other people think? What a freaking tool. He even ends his blog with this:

So... umm.. I guess that's all I have to say right now. Thanks for reading! Comment and stuff.

Please. Don't.

Karma at the DMV

Lover Boy and I went down to the DMV to re-register my car at one of those charming new kiosks, and then got back into the car. As I was about to pull out, the man parked next to us on the driver's side got back into his car as well.

Although he did it by swinging open his door and missing my car by centimeters, then started loading stuff in his car so that I couldn't pull out.

We waited, and I commented "Nice, guy. What a jerk." Before I even got to finish that sentence, he got into the car, banging his head on the top of the door opening. He turned red and quickly got back into his car.

I eyed the heavens and loudly stated "Thank you Karma, for being so prompt!"

Sometimes They Twitter Like Birds...

Obviously nothing has happened to me worth writing about. I've been getting into the mini-blogging that is Twitter, that bas been nice. I could recount the immaturity of friends that I've had to deal with in the last month, but in all honesty it's to stupid to repeat. And it's all been friends of friends anyway. I'm not cool enough to have my own drama.

Mostly it just made me think about how selfish everyone is lately. A friend of mine blogged this, and It moved me so much that I had to steal it for my own devices:

"The Way We Live Now"

[Scott McLellan, in his recently published book] wrote that President Bush “convinces himself to believe what suits his needs at the moment,” and has engaged in “self-deception” to justify his political ends ...

Bruce Springsteen once said "President Nixon legitimized 'the scam'" and gave people the green light to engage in less-than-ethical behavior throughout the rest of the 70s. The ends justifies the means. Never complain, never explain. And for quite a few years after that, ethics went out the door, and the country was never quite the same.

The same thing happened with Bush. Take a look around you.

Do the majority of people you deal with, aside from your closest circle of friends who hopefully you picked wisely, convince themselves to believe what suits their needs at the moment? Do people you work with lie with ease, and believe what are obviously lies to justify their own ends?

I've seen it get worse and worse to the point where an entire generation has entered the work force thinking this is the way life is, that you have to get ahead by believing you are better than anyone else around you and that's more important that hard work, loyalty and dedication.

Bush legitimized self-deception, proved that it works and that there is much to be gained by throwing people under the bus. It's not "What can you do for me?" It's "What can you do for me ... today?"

I hope Obama's impending election will change this, and that the laws of karma turn full circle. That's the change I want to see."

I don't necessarily agree with the political aspect, but more about how people are lately. It's sad that this has happened. I wish something could be done about it, but I don't see it happening in the near future.

Snap Judgements

My friend Melrose and I pulled up alongside an expensive silver bit of a car. I glanced over at the man driving it, and saw the slicked back hair and the matte black-rimmed glasses to match.

"So, this guy next to us? he's obsessed with Superman. He has the comics at home, the t-shirt that he wears under a suit at Halloween, and the cape, which he keeps in the back of his closet in a wooden box, so no one knows."

Melrose laughed and decided to play along too. "What's the girlfriend in the passengers seat look like?"

We let our car roll forward and not-so discreetly peeked into their car.

"Oh my god, his girlfriend is Asian! That means he's into the Smallville TV show, and she looks just like Lana Lang!" Momo said!

"He is so protective of her!" I said as he reached for her hand in her lap, "I bet you ANYTHING he has a huge hero complex! But he also feels like he can be a little bit dangerous...you know, like if some red Kryptonite was around"

The light turned, and SuperGuy sped off and cut in front of me.

His license plate read "GENTLMN"

Momo and I couldn't stop laughing for the next two lights.

A Catharic Bit of Fiction

I’m torn up about our breakup last night. Not the fact that we broke up, of course, but just about your complete ass-hattery. Not only are you not who I thought you were, but I had no idea that one human could hold so many contradictions. Your asinine use of circular logic had me all but rolling on the floor. The way you can twist existence so that the earth revolves around you at twice it’s normal speed is amazing.

In the last few weeks of our relationship I’ve seen you go from normal to fear of commitment, and it’s been an exciting ride. From the ‘wow, sleeping with a hot blonde everyday is fun’ to ‘wait, you want me to support you in a decision?’

The greatest part was the way you projected all your mental issues on me. You had a problem with food, so I had to stock my own apartment with low-fat soymilk because it was ‘better for ME.’ Not you, but me. Suddenly my health was a huge concern, because I asked you once to stop me before I over-ate. And then I got the wrong brand of soy milk, and it was like the sky had fallen.

Near the end your behavior became what psychologists call the “Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment style.” I know you like to spout all your existentialist crap, but you rarely know what any of it means, so I’ll explain. An Anxious/Ambivalent attachment style is when someone has an expectation about social relationships characterized by a concern that others will not return affection. Now, as much as you’d like to say the same thing about me, I’ve got another one for you; the Arousal: Cost-reward model. What, you say? Well, that’s a theory that helping or not helping is a function of emotional arousal and analysis of the cost and rewards of helping.

Long story short, you’ve got a LOT of issues kid. And I’m giving you a complex by using all these big words, so I’ll let you take a break. Plus, I only got through the “A”s in my psych book, and we’d just be here all day.

But I’ll end on a note that is sort of close to the end of the alphabet:

You are a Complete Tool.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

I stayed up last night to wait for Lover Boy to come home, so I could wish him a Happy Valentines Day. He wanted to watch yet another episode of good eats, and I fell asleep on him. He woke me around 1:30AM and we went to bed, with a set plan of what to do in the morning.

8:30 AM, there is a knock at the door. The repairman for the apartment complex thought right then would be the perfect time to fix the lock on our porch door. The same lock that hasn't worked since we moved in, over 3 years ago. Since he was there I told him he needed to fix our leaky sink too, and he had to come in and out a million times, and I had to wrangle the cats every time he walked in the door.

Around 9:30 AM he finishes his work and says goodbye. I climb back into bed with Lover Boy, tired beyond tired, and am *thisclose* to finding sleep, when there is yet another knock on the door.

I answer the door at 9:55 AM, only to find the repairman has forgotten his radio. I lock the door behind him, then realize in order to make it to work on time, I have to get ready now. As in, no sex, no cute lunch with Lover Boy, and no going to the post office to pick up my package from my mom.

Happy Freakin' Valentines Day. I swear I feel more single when I'm married.

Does Attempted Suicide Count? (I kid!)

"What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done?" ~Jamie

Depends on what you mean by dangerous. If you mean physically, I'm not very adventurous. I suppose that it could be when I rock-climbed...but that actually felt pretty safe. I think that's because it was indoors. Ooh, I went skydiving; also indoors. I'm just not an outdoor girl.

The only thing I've done that I've felt dangerous doing was when I walked out of a job. It was a temp job, and I told the temp agency how bad it was there, and if my immediate supervisor there was escorted off the job that day that I'd be right behind her. I did it, my heart pounding in my chest the whole time. I even took the stairs because I was afraid I'd run into the security guards coming back up. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but this company had been doing the wrong thing to it's employees since the day I got there. Someone needed to show them. Of course, the Temp Agency 'fired' me, even though I let them know what was going down before hand. I just met my immediate supervisor across the street for margaritas. We were joined by another employee soon after.

I know, I don't take chances that much. I always seem to play by the rules, even though I always say what you should do is break all of them and see what happens.

There is no P in OOL.

After swimming laps, Mischa and I always sit in the sauna and then rinse off and warm our muscles in the hot tub. Usually the sauna is reserved for complaining about our flaky friends, and the hot tub conversation is usually comparing injuries.

"Body Pump totally kicked my ass! My triceps hurt so bad, try to stretch yours!"

"Oh, that hurts!"

"See??"

"You know what really hurts on me? My shoulders, trying to stretch them out. Do this!"

"Holy Crap, that hurts!"

"I know, isn't it awesome?"

"Oh Yeah!"

We are just getting the ball rolling on our list of "hurts so good" when the other people in the hot tub start to complain. Loudly.

Not about us, but about another man who has just climbed in the hot tub. A woman complained loudly that he “always does this,” and it's disgusting and rude, and she's going to talk to the gym about it and get them to put up a sign. We have no idea what she's talking about, but her voice is so filled with venom that it shocks our conversation into silence.

Another man joins in and begins to complain about this offending man, but they don't state exactly what he's done, so we are confused, and feeling a little awkward in the middle of all this hostility. Thankfully they die down, and we try to jump start our conversation and forget about it. After all, we need to get in more hot tub time.

The offending man sits across from the angry man. Not more than 30 seconds later, the angry man looks at offending man and says, "Why don't we all just pee in here?"

That stops our conversation cold yet again, and we stare at each other in shock while listening. The angry man continues; "Yeah, come on everyone, let's just start peeing in here...it's the same as you coming out of the sauna and not rinsing off before you get into the tub. We are all just sitting here in your filth, so why don't we all just pee in here?"

Mischa and I looked at each other, not believing where this conversation had turned. The offending man didn't say a word, he just sat there and took it...I think he was actually ignoring him completely.

"Time to go?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, we are out of here!" She replied, and we were out and on our way to the locker room, with plenty of sideways glances back.

Breakast of Champions

If she didn't have enough water, her diet pill made her queasy. Thinking she could make it from her apartment to her brunch date, she got in her car and set off.

Not even a block later she started to feel her stomach churn, and she pulled her car over at the convenience store. She parked and headed towards the entrance. As she walked towards the entrance she spotted a guy coming from the other direction.

He had a great looking body. He had the kind of body that looked like it took no effort, when really you know that he worked at it. The graphic tee and jeans hugged his body. She reached the door first and held it open for him, and he thanked her.

She hi-tailed it to the back of the store and contemplated the options; Arrowhead, Voss, Fuji, Evian.

She decided on Evian...she knew it was naive backwards, but she felt it was the cleanest tasting water. She started to speed walk towards the front, her stomach threating her more with each passing moment.

She accidentally cut off Graphic Tee guy who was coming up one of the middle aisles. She reached the checkout first and paid for her water. She slid her purse and water over so GTG could check out and she could put her change in her wallet.

Three things slammed down on the counter, one by one. She couldn't help but be curious as to what he was buying at 10 am.

2 Rock Stars and a Snickers. Maybe he did just accidentally get that body. She looked from the purchase to the guy.

He looked over at her purchase, then his, and she saw him slightly lower his head in shame.

She couldn't help but smile at him as she slid her water off the counter and strolled out the door.

I Hate Oprah

I know that I promised not to watch Oprah again. I hate her so much, with her judgmental self-righteousness. But a few weeks ago I saw the beginning and couldn’t help but watch the whole thing in order to make fun of it.

It started by her asking the audience to get out a piece of paper and write down five words that describe your marriage or relationship. For the record, I decided to play along, and choose silly, communicative, loving, fulfilling, and happy.

Then she brought Gary the WonderShrink. GtWS said that what every relationship needs to strive for is what he calls “spiritual partnership.” His description for this was “Equal, together for the purpose of spiritual growth. To that I had to say, “que?” I mean, are they talking about people trying to better themselves, or are they talk about religion?

He started in on Jerry Maguire and how Renee’s line, “You complete me” ruined the relationships of people everywhere. He said “Only you can complete yourself.” So far I was with him. But then he said “There are no such things as soul mates.”

He didn’t even elaborate; he just stated it as if he said “We are out of cheese.” As if that statement was just supposed to be taken and accepted. Oprah actually said “We are screwed by romance in this country.”

Then GtWS started to elaborate on the whole “Spiritual Partnership” thing. He started out by asking what a couple’s real intentions were when they entered into the relationship, because intention is motivation. I had to ask “Shit, I had to have a reason why? I couldn’t just do it because we were compatible and loved each other??? No one sent me that memo!” Which is when he said that companionship and love do not enter into those intentions.

He talked about how people needed to live lives of meaning, purpose, and to get motivation from their “spiritual partnership.” Oh, and the “Spiritual Partnership” ends when the spiritual growth stops. Who has this much energy???

Then both Oprah and GtWS start harping on romance again. They pretty much say it’s all a lie, and it doesn’t exist. Romance is Dead. Next on Oprah.

And, um, remind me again…how many times has she been married? None you say? Huh. Well, she’s the expert then. Wonder how many times Good Old Gary has been married.

GtWS said he doesn’t say you should do any of this, or make any changes to your relationship…only do something if you are feeling unfulfilled. Hell, right now I’m just glad I’m not stuck in an unloving relationship with Gary or Oprah.

By the way, Gary the WonderShrink is the author of “See to the Soul.” Funny how you can talk about soul, yet not believe in love or romance.

New Year's Plans?

10:30 PM New Year's Eve, I'm sitting at work doing Will Call for the casino's nightclub.

Up walk the four most fake, beautiful girls in the casino at the moment. You can tell it took them hours to get ready; their hair is curled and you can tell it took them hours to get on all that makeup. They strut their stuff and walk up to me. Head Bitch says "Four Tickets for (the nightclub)."

I raise my eyebrow. This is not sounding like a will call request. I take a deep breath and ask "For tonight? Do you have a reservation?"

She gets snotty and says "No, we need tickets for tonight."

I can't even put on my sympathetic smile as I say "We sold out earlier this afternoon, there are no tickets left."

Shock and disbelief crossed her face. I don't think anyone had ever told her no before. I could see the wheels turning in her head, thinking of what hot guy she'd met earlier could get her in....fuck her friends, they could find their own way in.

"What? Well, what do you expect us to do? It's New Year's Eve!"

I couldn't help the smirk that crossed my face.

"Well, you could make a Resolution to book ahead next time."

Naive Plastic

“I feel like I should be writing down our medical history or something” I said to Lover Boy, my pen poised above the clipboard. We had been suckered into a time share presentation, but promised a trip of some kind at the end of the 90 minutes (read: 2 ½ hours).

“TDG and Lover Boy?” A voice rang out. We stood up and faced our presenter.

Oh. My. God.

I realized at that moment, that I was sheltered. My whole life, I’ve never really been exposed to life. By watching a lot of TV I have fooled myself into thinking that I know everything about everything. You can see a Giraffe on TV or on the internet, but it never prepares you for the real thing. This woman was my Giraffe.

I spent the entire presentation staring at her face, amazed. I had never been that close to so much plastic surgery in my life. Her eyebrows almost disappeared into her hairline. Lisa Rinna had nothing on her upper lip, and her lower lip was worse. She had the biggest cheek implants that should be allowed. Lover Boy said he knew it was a boob job. The nose was so strange it had to be a job.

After walking behind her for so long, it became apparent that the only thing she was saving up for was an ass job. She talked about how she loved to travel, and her ex-husband proposed in front of the Eiffel Tower, and how her now-boyfriend gets to travel all over, but she doesn’t have the money now.

I felt bad, because I wanted to be interested in what she was saying, but I stared at her face and couldn’t tear myself away. I felt terrible, and found myself fumbling over words. I had no idea that anything could shock me that much close up.

I’m naïve. Who knew?