Naive Plastic

“I feel like I should be writing down our medical history or something” I said to Lover Boy, my pen poised above the clipboard. We had been suckered into a time share presentation, but promised a trip of some kind at the end of the 90 minutes (read: 2 ½ hours).

“TDG and Lover Boy?” A voice rang out. We stood up and faced our presenter.

Oh. My. God.

I realized at that moment, that I was sheltered. My whole life, I’ve never really been exposed to life. By watching a lot of TV I have fooled myself into thinking that I know everything about everything. You can see a Giraffe on TV or on the internet, but it never prepares you for the real thing. This woman was my Giraffe.

I spent the entire presentation staring at her face, amazed. I had never been that close to so much plastic surgery in my life. Her eyebrows almost disappeared into her hairline. Lisa Rinna had nothing on her upper lip, and her lower lip was worse. She had the biggest cheek implants that should be allowed. Lover Boy said he knew it was a boob job. The nose was so strange it had to be a job.

After walking behind her for so long, it became apparent that the only thing she was saving up for was an ass job. She talked about how she loved to travel, and her ex-husband proposed in front of the Eiffel Tower, and how her now-boyfriend gets to travel all over, but she doesn’t have the money now.

I felt bad, because I wanted to be interested in what she was saying, but I stared at her face and couldn’t tear myself away. I felt terrible, and found myself fumbling over words. I had no idea that anything could shock me that much close up.

I’m naïve. Who knew?