Why yes, I AM stil feeling sorry for myself.

Today is the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death.  His music was everywhere, that heartbreaking clip of Paris as she broke down at his memorial.  A daughter losing a father, at such a young age.  It obviously struck a chord in me a year ago, and I remember being heartbroken at my desk.  A desk that I no longer have.

Even though I've lost 6 pounds in my 11 days of unemployment, I still don't fit into anything I own.  My fat pants don't fit.  This was fine when I had a job that took me as I was, but now I have to look fit, competent, and ready.

And I'm none of those things.  And when I'm alone at night, after Lover Boy has gone to work, and I have time to think, it's devastating.  I have a worthless degree, and 10 years of experience in worthless, stupid jobs.  That look horrible on my resume.

And it's fairly easy to keep a sunny outlook in front of people.  But the nights that I'm alone, It's impossible to fool myself.

All I've ever wanted to be was a writer, and it seems I'm about to be screwed for the last time on that front.  I suppose I should feel somewhat flattered that my work continues to be stolen, but I don't.  I feel cheated and not any good at the only thing I've ever been good at.  Perhaps I'm not even good at it.  It's never been confirmed by anyone but my mother and a great high school English teacher.  The people closest to me never even bother to read my blog, this or my public one.  At it's the people closest to you that are supposed to matter.

But I'm sure I'll lose them eventually too, with this attitude.

Start Out Crying, End up Smiling

I awoke to an email from my mother about my half-brother getting back to his alcholic ways.  It's gotten to the point where he called my mom (his stepmother, whom he's never really been close to), in a drunken state and she came over to talk to him.

His wife is leaving him, and taking the kids.  He goes to a bar after work and gets drunk, and then comes home.  He's been through rehab and remained sober once, after a DUI.

I cried in the shower that morning.  For my brother, his kids, my dad.  It just seemed like nothing could work out for anyone.

Then I got an email about a job that didn't exist that I had asked for anyway.  They are going to give me some assignments to see how I work out.  I'm not getting excited about it yet, but at least there is a ray of sunshine.

Don't Worry...Be Happy?

Today is Father's Day.  Depressing enough, right?  It doesn't even feel like he's been dead a year, but it has.  And this one has been hard.  It seems like every other email is something about Father's day.

But then, Monday my job got eliminated.  So I've been unemployed for 6 days now.  And since we have a mortgage, I had to file for unemployment. 

And I got less than half of what I'm making.  For six months.  Apparently luck is not on my side.

The only sure-thing job I've found is through a friend, and I know I'll hate it.  And I'll get paid at least $4 less an hour than my old job.

I want to hold out for a job that I will love, but this is the real world.  The world where I need to pay bills and keep my house and eat.  Dream jobs, especially in my field, don't just fall out of the sky.  I'm almost 30 years old, this life doesn't have a happy ending.  It's game over.

Golden Comedy

I was flipping through my Entertainment Weekly and came across the monitor for Rue McClanahan.  I read it, because  I adored the Golden Girls while it was on.  I'm fairly certain I've seen every episode, even though it's been so long I'm sure they'd all be new to me again if I watched them.

Or would they?

On the bottom of the page they had their favorite Blanche episodes, and one of them was when Blanche's father wanted her to come home because he was sick.  She refused, and he died, and she had to deal with the guilt at his funeral.  This struck a chord in me, because of my own father's death.

However, the next episode shocked the hell out of me.  Blanche has an elaborate dream in which she finds out her husband faked his death because he couldn't stand being married to her anymore.  Sound familiar?

I went onto YouTube and found the episode, and it was all there.  The emotions, the trama.  The only thing my dream had been missing was Sonny Bono.

My life is a fucking Golden Girl's episode.

If it wasn't so hilarious, I'd cry.

Loss

There was another "I'm quitting" email in my work inbox today.  Maybe it's because I've already dealt with a lot of loss in the last year, but I'm almost having a panic attack thinking that now there are several people that I see everyday that I will no longer see.

The possibilities of dealing with another person, a new person, figuring out what they are like...I don't want to do it.  All these people going away seems too close to death.  It's too much. 

Why can't everything just stay the same until I'm okay enough to move on?

Making it Easy

It's so much easier to get over a situation when the other person becomes a deliberately terrible person.  Thank you, for reminding me exactly what I'm missing: A person who only thinks of themselves, and will be rude and uncalled for at the drop of a hat.

It's official.  It's over.

I've been putting off celebrating because I was afraid it would all just come back and I'd have the same problem.  Now, its over. 

I'm so going out for ice cream after work today.  I don't think it's an exaggeration to say life is going to get much better.  I'm going to sleep without dreams of this coming back to haunt me.  I'm going to be happier, have the energy to work out.

Everything is going to get better.

Recovering

Even though I feel as if it's not quite over, I'm still going through a recovery process.  I didn't think ending a friendship would take recovery, I would just be better the next day.  The sun would be shinning, and I'd go on with my life.

But as the weeks went on, I was told by my friends more than once that I was over explaining things, that they understood.  It was then I realized how much who I was had actually been effected by the past couple years.  It made me think of the first Sex and the City movie where Miranda screams at Steve: "I changed who I was for you!"

For me, I hadn't even realized I had changed.  When it was pointed out to me, I was devastated.  Devastated that it had taken me that long to get out of, essentially, an abusive relationship.  I didn't think it was abusive until I was out.

So my heart goes out to all those girl's in REALLY abusive relationships.  It's so hard to see how bad it is when you are in it, I see that now.  And it's going to take work to get me back to where I was.  And that's so sad.