New Year's Plans?

10:30 PM New Year's Eve, I'm sitting at work doing Will Call for the casino's nightclub.

Up walk the four most fake, beautiful girls in the casino at the moment. You can tell it took them hours to get ready; their hair is curled and you can tell it took them hours to get on all that makeup. They strut their stuff and walk up to me. Head Bitch says "Four Tickets for (the nightclub)."

I raise my eyebrow. This is not sounding like a will call request. I take a deep breath and ask "For tonight? Do you have a reservation?"

She gets snotty and says "No, we need tickets for tonight."

I can't even put on my sympathetic smile as I say "We sold out earlier this afternoon, there are no tickets left."

Shock and disbelief crossed her face. I don't think anyone had ever told her no before. I could see the wheels turning in her head, thinking of what hot guy she'd met earlier could get her in....fuck her friends, they could find their own way in.

"What? Well, what do you expect us to do? It's New Year's Eve!"

I couldn't help the smirk that crossed my face.

"Well, you could make a Resolution to book ahead next time."

Makes You Think About Herbology In A Different Light

Rodlyman asked if I was sick of the Christmas music. The short answer; always. The longer answer is...well, longer.

Here's the thing about Christmas; First of all, not everyone celebrates it. Yes, I am one of the 2% that does not celebrate the birth of Jesus. In fact, according to some, I killed him. Yes, me personally. By not celebrating Christmas.

It's almost impossible to explain how this time of year makes me feel. I'm gonna try anyway.

Okay...deep breath, all of you. Here we go:

It feels like everyone on earth is a Herbologist. That's right, they think Herbs are the greatest. They worship herbs. You don't mind this, it's just not for you. You believe in something different. Once a year they celebrate their annual HerbFest, when they believe Herbs first came into existence. At least, that's how the holiday got it's start.

The problem is that they think everyone is a Herbologist. Everywhere you go, people are offering you Valerian Root and Herb Tea...and you just don't care. You get worn down with people telling you "The Message" of HerbFest is to bring people together, when really all it's about is material possessions. You get knocked down in a store for a scarf, and you can't get away from the insipid music at every corner. It's not about St. John's Wort, it's not about togetherness. It's about knocking that old lady over in the parking lot so that you can get the closest parking spot to the mall.

That's kinda how I feel about Christmas. I don't have anything against the Christian religion itself, but having it in my face the whole month of December (and let's face it, most of November) tends to make me...let's just say, more than a little crabby.

I know I might stir up a lot of controversy with this post, but that's how I feel. I don't expect a lot of people to understand the way I feel, and that's fine. But I won't change my beliefs.

One of These Things

Good Old Andy the Boy Wonder (Because it's a wonder he has so many cute boys!) asked about why cosmic injustice existed.

Picture This.

The marble floor reflects the perfection that is this girl. Her slender leg is bound by her stiletto boot, which covers most of her leg. It leaves about an inch of flawless skin before her short skirt covers the rest of her lower torso. Her flat stomach defies logic, and her near perfect breasts make every man a "boob man."

Walking beside her stands a man who looks as if his last ten was when he was a toddler. His pock-marked face looks like a white sheet, and you can almost see the original Star Wars Trilogy flicker in his eyes. He's just dying for you to ask him about his stamp collection.

As you watch the two exchange a kiss, you can't help but think..."why?"

On one hand, it could be like one big Sesame Street Game (you remember it...). On the other, it could just be that opposites attract. It could be that they are actually in love.

It could be that the more attractive one has low self esteem, and thinks that by being with the less attractive one, that makes them more attractive.

I'd take it on a case-by-case basis. Short Answer: Who the hell knows?

Where Did the Old School Bloggers Go?

(suggested by Jamie)

I suppose they all got lives, which I'm insanely jealous about. Or maybe, like me, they suffered a blow that killed their confidence and their ability to blog the way they used to, so they just stopped altogether. Most just seemed to slide into a different space in their life, and there was no room for blogging.

It feels like we either have to much free time on our hands, or not enough. Even the origin of this post was hand-written while I was wasting time at work. And I don't know if it's my state of mind or theirs', but the new generation of bloggers just don't capture my attention.

I continue to be on the lookout for the new Outburst, my first blog crush. Blush, I guess they say. If you find any good ones not already on my blogroll, let me know!

Recently I've re-found Team Gingerbread, and through her found "Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog?"

I'm not going to give up until I find a bunch of people who blog well and often!

***

Do I want children? Well...every now and then I see a kid that makes my ovaries itch, as I put it. Basically, a kid so cute that it makes me want to have children. Because usually I think of a child like I think of having a dog: Damn cute, but I would hate to pick up the doggy poo.

The other night, the last living baby that made my ovaries itch, needed babysitting. I was asked to babysit and said yes, mostly because they didn't have anyone else who would be able to. So it takes me an hour to get this baby into my car and strapped in, and get the massive baby stroller into the trunk. This is after I get the baby bag stuck in-between the trunk and the stroller, and spend more time than I need to trying to free it.

All the while this baby has started to cry. She needs constant attention, and I'm too burnt out to give it to her. Her constant crying finally wins out in the end, and I spend the rest of the night walking around my apartment with her being bounced all the while.

That cured me of wanting to have children. They give me instant Epstein Barr and their constant crying makes me see why parents sometimes shake their babies or drive them off cliffs.

Every once and a while the urge comes back, and I think about how cute it would be to dress up a baby or teach a five year old new things and watch him or her blossom.

But when I hear them cry, the ovaries stop itching. I am cured. I promised Lover Boy that we would re-visit the idea of having children when I'm about 35.

The Real World, Mega Edition

Lisa B asked when she was going to win the Mega-Millions. I have to wonder if Mega-Millions was kinda like Mega-Bucks.

Winning at either of these, much like Area 51, is fictional. Area 51 doesn't have anything shady going on. Mega-Millions doesn't actually give away any of their money. Each news report saying someone has won is made up and performed by paid actors. Don't you ever wonder when anyone from Sin City wins, and then mysteriously the money is stolen from them, or they die?

Not you, LisaB, or anyone else will ever win Mega-Millions, because the money doesn't exists.

Anyway, It's really Area 54 you need to worry about.

*********
Jamister, you wanted to know if I think Alex and Colie are the new Danny and Melinda on The Real World.

Ah, The Real World. Remember how it used to be, with cute stereotypes like "the country boy" and "the lesbian?" Not the faux lesbian, but the actual girl who would only make out with other lesbians? Remember the harmless pranks, like making bazillions of copies of Aaron's calendar picture and putting them up all over the house? Remember when the house-mates' worst problem was Puck eating out of the peanut butter with his fingers?

Then, there was Danny and Melinda. The couple who made you want to scream at the TV: "You shouldn't be that dependent on another person!" They were two people who couldn't be more unfit for a relationship. Are Alex and Colie on their way to becoming the same thing? I wish I knew, but Denver just didn't sound that appealing to me, so I haven't watched. Danny and Melinda just put me off The Real World for life.

PlayList

DragonFly asked what my top 3 songs were. My top three songs were really hard to think of! Although I've been all about downloading songs to my Creative Zen MP3 Player, I haven't had time to listen to any of it! Even when I'm in the car I'm always talking on my Bluetooth and not listening to the radio. (Okay, before you go calling me a Gadget Geek, it's against the law to talk on your cell phone while driving without one of these. Plus a Razr is hard to balance on your shoulder while parallel parking.) I suppose I can come up with three songs that are constantly playing in my head!

1. Since Lover Boy gave me The Beatles Love for Hannimas (our answer to the holiday season), I guess my first song would have to be Get Back. It's my favorite part of the production, where all your senses are attacked from everywhere.

2. Agony from Into the Woods. If you haven't heard of it, Into the Woods is a musical that combines all the childhood fairy tales into one. The first act sets it up as you know it, then the second act shows when it all comes crashing back down. You know, the breakups, adultery, death...that sort of thing. It's hilarious, if you ever get a chance you should check it out.

3. Clark Gable by The Postal Service. First, check out the lyrics here. I love Postal Service, because you can chill out to their music, or you can listen to the lyrics and be moved. They are my all time favorite. I love Clark Gable because of the lyric "I'll kiss you in a style Clark Gable would've admired." Can you imagine what a great kiss that would be?

I Just Need it to Hold My Stuff

I think of handbags as pure function. When I got out looking for a handbag I look for just a few things;

• Is the price reasonable?
• Will it hold all my shit?
• Does it look like my grandma pawned it off on me? (If it does, I won't buy it!)
• Will it match..basically, is it black?
  

As long as it fits the criteria, I will buy it. It hasn't ever been a problem, me finding a purse.

Not until now.

In-between the last time I found a purse ($5 at Old Navy, it lasted for over a year!) and now, handbags have suddenly become a different thing. It's not longer a place to hold all your shit, but a status symbol.

Coach is the perfect example of how ludicrous the "handbag industry" has gotten. This is a $300 dollar bag from Coach:
Do you see all that writing on the bag? Yeah, that's telling you that it's a Coach bag and it's only made from the best materi--Who Cares??? You just paid $300 to advertise for Coach! A quick Google search showed me that there are some handbags that cost more than I paid for my car. My car!

Regardless, my $5 bag from Old Navy is about to die on me. I had to go shopping for a new bag. I ended up paying $75. If you are grading on a curve, that's not bad.

But I'm still angry I had to pay that much for a damn bag. It better last until I die, because I never want to spend that much money on another bag again. The label says it's Kathy Van Zeeland. In fact, Kathy included a little note inside the handbag thanking me.

I'm glad someone is happy about it. I'm still a little sick to my stomach. Maybe it'll grow on me, but for now it's functional, and I'm content.





Do you think I made the right decision?

Top TV Boyfriends, Part II

So, I don't watch as much TV as I thought. So we are switching to movies!

Rhett Butler from Gone With The Wind

How we'd meet: We'd meet at a party and he'd offer to be my escort home. He'd bring me back sexy stockings from Paris, and a romance would blossom.

How it would end: Two Words: Belle Watling.




Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables

How we'd meet: We'd grow up together, never officially meet.

How it would end: He would get tired of me trying to make up my mind, and tell me to go out into the world and forget about him. I would tearfully agree.




Prince Henry from Ever After

How we'd meet: His carriage would nearly run me over. Being chivalrous, he would insist on taking me to my destination. The destination would happen to be my home. He would show up later in the week and ask me to a royal ball.

How it would end: Some stupid law about how he has to marry a real princess, and a Jewish American Princess doesn't count. Mmph.





Joe from Bend It Like Beckham


How we'd meet: I'd be writing a story on girl's footballing, and compliment his coaching abilities after a game. I'd then ask him out for a drink. I'd fall in love with his adorable accent, and we'd have a whirlwind romance.

How it would end: It was never meant to be; his life is in England, and mine is in America. I'd promise to write.



Leopold from Kate and Leopold

How we'd meet: I'd be Meg Ryan (Kate)'s much younger and prettier friend. He would just find me more charming than her because...well, I am.

How it would end: I'd eventually get sick of his gentlemanly ways and tell him to get a real job.

Is Now A Good Time to Panic?

I was going through my old blog posts and came upon this. Seems I've been having these panic attacks awhile now, doesn't it???

***

I woke up tired beyond tired. Tonight I had been dreaming that I had walked into a giant cage full of birds at the zoo to find them all dead. Their bones had crunched under my feet as I accidentally stepped on them.

I woke with a start, still freaking out.The feeling hits me like a ton of bricks; my rib cage is screaming for air. The pain is sharp but confusing. I take deep breaths and it doesn't help. I look over at Lover Boy, not wanting to wake him up. Maybe I just need to hit the bathroom and throw up.

By the time I get to the bathroom the feeling has worsened. I feel the air coming in and out of my lungs, but my brain doesn't seem to be registering it. I want the feeling to stop; it is starting to scare me. I sit in the bathroom waiting for relief for what seems like hours. Suddenly it becomes clear; I need water. I'm dehydrated, that must be the reason I feel like I can't breathe.

I crawl into the kitchen, the trip itself taking decades.How can we be out of water? Now that I've grasped onto the fact that cold water will make this feeling go away I can't possibly live without it. The sweat drips down my face as I pull myself up to the kitchen sink. I must look a sight, my face contorted with pain and my breath short and quick. A handful of water seems to keep me from panicking, but now I'm so hot I could die. Thoughts come into my head, the bath, going out on the porch. The think I want to do the most is wake LB and make him take me to the hospital.

More than once I think this is it; I'm going to die on the floor.The cold linoleum in the bathroom does little for me, and I go for the facet once more. I fill up the sink with cold water and stick my face under. I stay under for as long as I can hold my breath. The pain is duller now, but still there. I begin to breathe normally. I try sleeping on the couch, but there is no position I can take on there that doesn't hurt. Finally I give up and crawl back into bed. Sleep is far away, but it still comes before dawn.

Top Ten TV Boyfriends, Part I

V boyfriends... they are the boyfriends that don't exist, yet you wish they did. Here are mine! Jamie actually told how the relationship would end. I'm going one step beyond and making up a cute story for how we met. Yes, I have to much time on my hands.

Here are the first five!

Doogie Howser, M.D.

How we'd meet: I'd get a piece of food stuck in my throat and he'd perform the Heimlich on me. He'd get Florence Nightingale Syndrome and we'd start dating. (By the way, in this fantasy I'm the same age he was in the series. Don't get any gross ideas!)

How the relationship would end: I'd leave him for Vinnie. What can I say, sense of humor and a healthy sex drive always wins out in the end.





Aidan Shaw from Sex and the City

How we'd meet: I'd be writing a piece on unique furniture stores and come upon his. After a innuendo-infused interview he'd invite me to dinner.

How it would end: I'd want him to try and go global with his talent, and he'd be content to just stay in New York and make enough to live comfortably.



Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life

How we'd meet: I'd finally get up the courage to talk to him in the hallway and I'd say "Um, did you drop your pencil in Bio last period?" and he'd say "uhhh....I don't think I, like, own a pencil." Two periods later we'd be making out in the boiler room.

How it would end: I'd be disheartened that he didn't care about graduating, and all I got out of him were a few driving lessons and peer pressure to have sex with him. I'd go after the good guy next, thinking I had cured myself of bad boys forever. I'd be wrong.



Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars

How we'd meet: In class, on my first day. I'd give a snarkier answer to the teacher before he could do it. I'd get in trouble, and he'd go out of his way to get in trouble too, just to spend detention with me. Sure, he's an obligatory psychotic jackass...but man is he sexy and quick with the wit.

How it would end: After I suspected he was cheating on me. A guy can only go to "Mexico" to go "surfing with the guys" so many times, ya know?



Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

How we'd meet: After seeing that Buffy is a self-centered bitch that's only using him for sex, he'll be heartbroken...and turn to me. I'll console him right into the sack.

How it would end: After he gets to clingy, I stake him in his sleep. I'll do anything to get out of a rough breakup.