I Read A Lot

Laughing Frog tagged me. I think she's trying to tell me something.

1. One Book That Changed My Life: Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. I never knew that a man could have such an amazing insight into women. CP is amazing, and you'll never read a novel by anyone else once you start on him.

2. One Book That You've Read More Than Once: There are dozens that I've read more than once, but I guess I'll have to say Wake Me When It's Funny by Gary Marshall. His autobiography is great and so funny, I can't help but read it at least twice a year. All the behind the scenes action on all his movies are wonderful.

3. One Book You'd Want On a Desert Island: Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. His ability to take you away to another land is something I would need if I was stuck on a island!

4. One Book That Made You Laugh: The Nanny Diaries by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus. The tone tells me most of the story is true, and you have to laugh at how completely stupid parents can be. I really hope they don't screw this up as a movie.

5. One Book That Made You Cry: Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I love that book, and it was one of the few books that I just grew up reading. I honestly don't remember the first time I read it.

6. One Book That You Wish Had Been Written: Biography of Chuck Palahniuk. I want to know what happened to him to get him to come up with the crazy ideas.

7. One Book That You Wish Had Never Been Written: Anything by Jane Austen. The women kills me. I can't handle the crap-tacularness.

8. The Book You are Currently Reading: Everything About Me is Fake...And I'm Perfect! by Janice Dickinson. If you read her books you wouldn't hate her so much. Trust me.

9. One Book You've Been Meaning To Read: Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I finally finished The Da Vinci Code, I've heard that I need to read it.

10. Now Tag Five People: I'm not evil. Do it if you want to...But whatever you do, click this sad unemployed girl's ads. Thank You.

But, I Thought I Was Awesome...What Happened?

"You don't get along with all people."

At first I resisted it. I mean, I'm totally lovable. I'm funny, I'm cute, and I'm fair. Above all I try to look at both sides of something before I jump to conclusions. I love to laugh and have fun with everyone I interact with.

I'm also extremely self-righteous. I'm vigilante. I chatter a lot. Random things come into my head, and I think they are funny, so I say them. It's hard for me to admit that some people might not like me.

Is this just a healthy self-image, to think that I'm great to be around? Or is it deluded? I try and be nice to everyone, and I never thought I was one of those people that had to...For lack of a better term, "got." You know how some people say "They just don't get me?"

I put everything out there for everyone to see. I don't hold anything back or try to lie unless it's to protect someone's feelings. I like to make people laugh.

I never thought it was hard to understand me.

Mr. and Mrs. Complete Tool

Lover boy and I went to pick up my new car today, and decided to stop by a Sushi Bar/ Benihana type restaurant. They had just opened for lunch when we walked in, and there was only one other couple with a baby just sitting down.

LB and I weren't familiar with the menu yet, so we decided to sit at one of the "we cook it right in front of you" tables. The host lead us to the same table as the couple.

At first the couple didn’t really capture my attention. In fact, we all were asked to move before we even sat down; they were doing construction and they didn't want us to be bothered by the dust.

The wife (Mrs. C. Tool) was skinny and blonde. She was the kind of blonde where you didn't know if it was dyed or not, it was such an odd shade. It must've been natural because Baby Tool had the same hair color. Oddly enough, Mr. Tool had the same hue; only his pink scalp was showing through the thin hair.

A sudden surge of anxiety came over me as we sat down. I didn’t know why, but it was as if the air had suddenly changed. I couldn’t explain it, but it soon became clear to me when our busboy came over to get our drink orders.

"I want some of that beer, you know, that warm beer? Japanese beer...or maybe it’s Chinese, I don't know” Mr. Tool’s voice carried to the far reaches of the restaurant as he continued to berate the waiter. "Sapporo? I need that. In a glass. A cold glass. Like, frosted. Really cold. Do you got that?"

It was then time for Mrs. Tool, who just said curtly "Warm Sake." The poor busboy seemed thrilled with our diet coke and water order and ran off as fast as he could.

The waiter came over and flipped on the heat lamps so that they would be warm for the"show," when they came to make our food. About 30 seconds later Mr. Tool freaked the hell out because it was “too hot.” In fact, he told the manager, the busboy, and the waiter that it was necessary to turn the air on, because he was hot, unreasonably hot. He told them all this within a 30 second span!

Lover Boy and I exchanged looks that said "Dude, why are you sitting at the 'make the food in front of you' table and complaining about the heat? It has to be hot to make your food!" LB and I finally waved the waiter over at the same time and requested we be moved to a table. We tipped him a lot, not because he moved us, but because he had to deal with those people by himself now.

As we were moving to the new table, Mrs. Tool said "It’s so busy in here, usually we are the only ones in here."

"This is their usual spot to eat? We will never eat there again!" I thought as we settled into our new table.

We were only about 20 feet away, but my blood pressure immediately improved! I hugged LB and told him I loved him, and I’m so ecstatic that he will never be like Mr. Tool.

Goodbye Old Pal

Tomorrow is the last day I get to spend with my best friend for the past 7 years. We met my senior year of high school, but I knew Red had personality the moment I saw him. It took some warming up to get used to him. But we became fast friends. Whenever I wanted to go anywhere he was there for me. We went up to the lake...we never got there fast, but we got there and had a good time.

The only time Red ever left me when I needed him is when he knew others were there for me. He never abandoned me, and I've never abandoned him. Until now. I feel tremendous guilt over it, but our time was up. Even though I love him, Red was getting old. Even though I know I can always depend on him, I know his days are dwindling. It kills me that he's getting older, and not looking so hot anymore. I worry about what is going to happen to him when I leave him. How can you not be upset when you've spent the past 7 years in each others presence? We've never been apart from each other more than a few weeks. We have a history together, and you can't expect me to not be a little emotional.

I don't care that he's just a car. Red had personality and style, and my new car does not. My new car is a Black 2000 Camry. Blah. It's bland and dependable and safe, and does NOT help my quarter life crisis. My mother drives a Camry for crying out loud. I need to think of a name for my new car that recaptures my youth, and makes me feel good.

But for now I'm going to miss Red and all the good times we had. I love you Red, you'll always be my first...

You Ask a Silly Question...

Dearest Millo:

It takes 300 1/2 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

If train A leaves station 1 at 4pm going 89 mph and train B leaves station 2 at 6pm going 101 mph, the passenger in seat 43 on train 2 eats lunch at 1pm, Mountain Standard Time.

If the answer is: 24 and a live camel, the question must be "What is a popular TV show and the only animal that likes to spit?"

And I didn't even get to eat the cake, so sadly I have none for you!

***

"why do you think i feel anxious around my own sex (women) and comfortable around men?"

Short Answer: Because women are conniving backstabbing bitches who will chew you up and spit you out in three seconds flat. You are anxious because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Slightly Longer Answer: Do you ever notice that it's really only certain women? You are most likely a "guy's girl." Guy's Girls can only be friends with guys, and other guy's girls. Guy's Girls don't bullshit, and they don't play games. All other girls do.

Just so we are clear, if you were ever in a sorority, you could never be a guy's girl...no matter how much you think you are. (Why yes, I AM talking to you.)

Anyway, Girl's Girls are NOT like us. They think everyone is out to get them, they have low self esteem. So therefore, they set out to bring everyone else down. Girls like us are not comfortable around people that are out to get us....male or female. They say women have a sixth sense, and it is just telling you that these girls can't be trusted.

Question answered? :-)

In other news, what in the hell is this? Just me, how do you own shares in my blog? It's a little frightening how much information is on there!

Walking In The Moonlight

In a perfect year, here is who I would have with me and why (Sorry Rod, I can't choose just one);

• Cassanova to have sex with.
• Garry Marshall to write and film a movie with.
• Walt Disney, to visit D-Land everyday with. However, if it finds out that he is anti-semetic, we will spend the year with him kissing my ass.
• Einstein to talk to, to see if he is nice to hang around with.
• The entire cast of Veronica Mars, and watch them film a season.

So, men "go on walks" by themselves. Even when they are in relationships and they can go on walks with their gilfriends, they still occasionally take walks by themselves.

You all know what I'm talking about.

Men would love to know why us girls get all upset when they "go on walks by--" ah, screw it. When they masterbate. MB for short.

Girls love to feel needed in a relationship. Even if we aren't in the mood to have sex, we love it when you ask us. We might act angry, but deep down inside there is a little piece of us that feels great that you want us.

When you MB, you don't need us. When we are in the house and you do it, we feel like you don't need us anymore, which equals you don't love us anymore. Whereas you guys think it's hot when you know we are doing it, it just isn't the same for us.

It almost like a legal form of cheating. We certainly can't tell you to stop, but it bothers us as if you were cheating.

So we pout. What can we do?