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I just finished my interview with Job B.  It sounds like something I'd be really good at, and she said it's basically going to turn into doing the social media for all the employees of the property.  It's a lot of writing, and I love writing.  I really think I can do it, but I just don't know.  I'll be called next week to either be out of the running or in for a second interview.

My mom and one of my friends said I should take job B if offered, and then if it doesn't work out, just quit and take job A (If I got Job A it wouldn't start until April, which would give me time to see if I like Job B).  I just don't know, it seems wrong.

I guess I'll figure out how I feel after Monday's interview.  Wish me luck!

Self Esteem at an all time low

I think what I need, more than anything right now, is someone that knows me really well to remind me of how awesome I used to be.  Because right now, I feel worthless.  I feel stupid and not worth anyone's time.  I feel so alone.

I got an email today to interview for another job (Job B)on Friday.  The job that I've been waiting for (Job A) is set for me to interview on the 31st.

Job A was voted a top Forbes "Best Place to Work."  It's answering phones and doing customer service, but it has potential to do more of the things I'm interested in.

Job B pays more.  I've worked for the company before, however, and there is NO chance of them being a "Best Place to Work" anytime this century.  I've been burned by them before.  But this is a different location, and it's, please excuse the expression, "a grown up job."  But, with grown up positions come grown up consequences.  I can see myself working too many hours and it losing it's fun quickly.

I'm still shell shocked from the last job.  I gave it my all, and I got dumped.  My job situation is very very very much like dating.  I had a guy, the guy wanted to take it to the next level, I said okay.  Then he got distant and moody.  I keep asking to have a talk with him, but he ignored me, and then without any warning dumped me.  I've been dumped before, and I'm gun-shy about it now.  I almost feel like what's the point?  I'm going to end up getting hurt anyway, and is it something I'm doing?  Is it me?  Is it the guys(job)?  And what do I want to do with my life anyway?

My New Years Resolution to myself was to not worry about turning the big 3-0.  To take life lightly, and let myself off the hook about feeling like I'm not where I wanted to be in my life.  Does that mean taking Job A?  Because if I really wanted an important job when I turn 30 in a couple of months, Job B would be it.

I'm lost.  I'm alone in my feelings, and it feels like no one understands how horrible I feel about my whole life.

Inner Voices Vs. Inner Child

I read a sentence from a book on Amazon that said "Can you separate the voices of your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media, and Hollywood from the voice of yourself--your own inner voice?"

It's a good question, and one that I have been feeling a lot of lately.  It's hard to think about something as lame as a car while I'm unemployed and just want to find a job to make it by on...but it seems to be something I'm coming back to.

I was pushed into buying what I consider a "mom car" a few years ago.  It's almost paid off, but in the meantime we've had a hell of a time together.  $5,000 worth of damage from a hit and run, and about $6,000 of solving a pesky "check engine" light problem.  It doesn't quite feel like it has power steering...ever.  I have to back in and out of every parking spot to get into it straight.  The gas tank is enormous, and nearly puts me out of house and home every time I have to fill it up.

I have another car in mind.  A dream car.  A car that reminds me more of my first car; compact, sporty, everything a Mom car is not.  Turns on a dime, has good gas milage, and the dealership has told me that I can basically get a new one and order everything that I want it to have, all the way down to a built in navigation system.

I've never had a new car.  My parents never owned a new car.  The idea of a car that is all mine and no one else's excites me.  I really want it.  I have all but promised it to myself as soon as I get a job and can afford it.

But, is it just me?  Is it my inner voice telling me what will make me happy and will be better in the long run?  Or is it my inner child wanting a toy that no one else has touched before?

It's the same with a lot of things lately.  The job I'm up for is a great company, and although it's a starter position, I have very high hopes for it.  So high that I'm deathly afraid I won't get it, and will be in serious trouble, because all other jobs have avoided my follow up calls and even outright rejected taking my resume.  The last 7 months has been very taxing on my self-esteem, and I just hope when I get into the interview, they don't see that.

Because I really want a new car.

Christmas Movies

I decided this Christmas season to watch all those Christmas movies that people talk about.  They always say how wonderful they are, and how they look forward to watching them all year.  I was not impressed by any of these movies.

Miracle of 34th Street-This was my husband's favorite, and I have to admit there is a certain charm to it.  It helps that I love the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which is how it starts.  But then it just meanders on and on...and as a whole it's a nice movie, but not one I'd ever go out of my way to watch again.

It's a Wonderful Life-So, I really thought that this movie would have more to do with Christmas, but really Christmas was just sort of there while everything else happened around it.  And, I'm sorry, but I'm used to seeing Jimmy Stewart not be a huge jerk to everyone, and I didn't like it.  He's much better talking to an invisible rabbit or making filibusters. 

White Christmas-Again, it was a movie, where Christmas just happened by.  A cute enough movie, of course, but I never care about seeing it again.

A Christmas Story-I just found this movie overly strange.  Why doesn't he ever bring in the rest of the mail?  Why does he want a BB gun so bad?  He seems overly influenced by the media, isn't that bad?  Why in the world would anyone make an award into a chessy leg lamp? Kids curse all the time, why is it such a big deal in this movie?  Don't people know that this movie is based on a bunch of articles written for Playboy?  I think he only got that gun because he wouldn't have shut up about it otherwise.

Now, this is the one that everyone thinks is fantastic.  About 15 minutes into the movie, I posted a comment on Facebook about how I was watching it, and so far it was overly narrated, which it is.  I don't know how that's even debatable. 9 comments later, I found that no one is able to be objective about this movie.

No one has any actual valid reasons for thinking this is a good movie.  They just stand by it blindly because it's been part of their childhood, the same reason no one can say for certain why they like "Wizard of Oz."  It's because they can't remember their life without it, they can't seem to be objectionable.

What I do instead of buckle down

I decided today would be the day I started writing a novel I've been thinking about.  Unemployment looks like it's going to last for awhile now, so I might as well have a project, something to look forward to everyday.

So I sat down at my brand new desk, opened a Word document...transcribed what notes I had taken about it into the document....

And then I started dicking around.

I checked Facebook.  I checked Twitter.  I checked Tumblr, even though that site isn't really my demographic.  I tuned into Logo and found a Nip/Tuck rerun marathon.

Man, that Quentin fellow was creepy from the start, wasn't he?

And then I wrote a paragraph.  I did some research to back up what I just wrote, then realized I hadn't quite set up Skype yet.

So I told my sister to Skype me, and we troubledshot (troubleshooted?) until I figured out the problem with my new webcam.  I still can't get Dailybooth to work with the camera.

Then I went back to writing, and turned back on Nip/Tuck.  Did you know that the new Kinex for the Xbox only works on white people?  Apparently it only picks up white skin.  There's gotta be a racism card someone can play and sue them for that...

I'm pretty sure my ADD is too bad to write a novel.  But, I'm sure gonna try.

Why I Never Subscribed to Marie Clare in the 1st Place

So, there is all this controversy surrounding this Marie Claire online article.  I heard about the backlash long before I actually read the article.  It was exactly as bad as I had feared it would be.  Basically she takes on the show Mike and Molly, which she has never seen, and she basically says that she can't stand to watch fat people, and doesn't think anyone should.  An actual quote:

So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything.

This made me so steaming mad I had to write about it.  Her, and the magazine she represents, are the problems with society dealing with people who are overweight.

I recently got paid to write an article about how my overweight ass has been treated in certain stores.  Just today I went in to get a pair of jeans and was treated as if I was sewage when I asked for my size (which they do carry, but they didn't have any in stock).

Not only is being overweight in my DNA (both my parents were obese, and their parents), but I've been made to feel like the scum of the earth because I was overweight. 

I worked out for 9 months straight once, 5 days a week, with a limited diet.  In fact, I had a friend with me doing exactly the same things I was doing.  She lost 25 pounds, and I didn't even lose one.  My being overweight is not for lack of trying.  And because of women like Maura Kelly, even though I try my best, I still feel like someone that can't even walk across the room without making someone uncomfortable.

Jackie Warner was quoted in this article: “We need to handle this as an addiction. It’s an emotional addiction, and that should always be handled with love.”

And she's right.  After losing my job, I feel like I can't spend money on anything, especially food.  Even though I know it's not good for me, I frequently go without meals in order to save money.  Our house is a house of condiments, and my husband gets free meals at work, so he is always taken care of.  Even when I had a job and was eating, I was frequently coming in at about 1,000 calories under what I should've been eating.  And it doesn't help.  I'm still overweight.  The scale keeps going up.  No matter what I do.

Everytime I want to eat, I look at my body, then I look at a copy of Marie Claire, and lose my appetite.  I want to be back to that glorious 115 that I was before my metabolism crashed.  If I leave the house, I have to face those people.  Those people that judge me, even though I'm just walking past.  They don't make it any easier to just go from day to day.  The trip to the mall today was so disheartening that I came home and didn't leave again.  I don't want to go anywhere, because it's uncomfortable being watched like a monkey in a zoo.  A fat monkey.  A freak show.

Women like her are the problem.  They make it harder to even go outside.  It's no wonder most people eat their feelings.

Friendship

My mom just sent me a link to a story for this book, which is out tomorrow.  Basically it started with this woman having a horrible experience in college where she was basically backstabbed in the extreme by a bunch of girls from a sorority. 

As I read the article, I became more and more relived to find that I wasn't alone.  I've had two female friends my whole life that haven't been backstabbing, horrible individuals.  I wish I was exaggerating. 

One was my best friend in 6th grade.  We weren't the same person, but we fit together, and we were always there for each other.  I know people say that kind of dumb crap all the time, but in this case it was actually true.  If I was upset about anything, she would be there for me no matter what.  I can only recall one fight we ever had, and that ended with us bursting into laughter and forgetting the fight the second after it happened.

Nothing ever happened to break up our friendship, we just started hanging out with different people.  We went through junior high and high school never even seeing each other in the halls between classes.  She wasn't the type to join Facebook or even really have a computer at all, so I never expected to see her again.  As my life went on, through college and afterward, my mind sometimes wandered towards her, but her name was too common to Google without much luck.  I always hoped she was happy and everything was okay with her.  I knew I'd never really see her again.

Cut to last month, when I went with my husband to Disneyland to celebrate his birthday.  It was the end of our annual passes, and we were getting the most out of it, staying at the Grand Californian so we could go back to the hotel room whenever we wanted.  Hubby had convinced me to go on the Grizzly River Run for the first time.  I had avoided it because it was a water ride, and I desperately hate to get wet and then walk around all day in wet clothes.  I agreed to go if we went back to the hotel and I could change into my bathing suit and a cover up.

It turns out it's one of those wet rides where you are in a big round rubber tube with a bunch of other people.  It forces people to be social, since you really can't be on your cell phone when water is coming down all around you.  We talked with our group until the end of the ride, but it was a little difficult, since most of them didn't really speak English.  We decided we were a little wet, we might as well go again, since this would be our last time in the parks.  The second time was fun as well, more people spoke English.

As we exited, Hubby said "Ready to go back to the hotel?"  And for some reason, I wanted to go one last time.  It had been so lonely at home since losing my job, and I was really craving some interaction.  So one last time we went, and after the ride and an embarrassing fall down the stairs afterward (my shoes became so waterlogged, I fell) I knew I had reconnected with my 6th grade best friend. 

She was in the ride with us, next to my husband, with HER husband, who was...get this...celebrating his birthday.  They were staying at the same hotel, on the same floor, and we were leaving the next day, they had just arrived that day.  If that one moment hadn't come to pass, we would have never reconnected, never came across each other.  In fact it was her mannerisms, and not her face, that I recognized.  It was my gut that somehow knew she was who she was. 

It was one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me.  I feel like, because everything else has sucked lately, fate saw fit to give me a piece of what made me myself back.

And, as luck would have it, Facebook brought my other best friend back as well.

On the relationship front, life is good.