Greatest Comic Book Guy Ever

I pull open the door with a total lack of confidence and step inside. I feel the door close behind me and I take a deep breath, completely out of my element. I look around at all the comic books and shutter slightly.

The ideal situation would be that the three guys talking animatedly at the front counter would see I was a girl and obviously see I needed help. That wasn't what happened. They paused, the guy behind the counter said "Hi, how are you doing?" and went immediately back to saying how awesome Kitty Pride is.

I was stranded in Geekland with no assistance. I was going to have to find my own way to the reason I was there. Why oh why did they have to make season 8 into a comic book? I'd never felt more uncomfortable in my life.

I looked around in a panic, like I was looking for a way out. As luck would have it, it was sitting on a shelf in plain view. I breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed it and headed to the counter.

I stood behind the guy at the counter thumbing through comics and began to wait patiently.

"Hey, you knew what you wanted! You walked in with a purpose." He joked to me, then said "Come right over here, Hun." He took the book from me, and I followed him to the end of the counter next to the cash register. The man thumbing through the books was still standing there, so I stood behind him and decided to get lost in my thoughts until he was done.

Guy Behind the Counter (GBC) says "Okay, that's gonna be $3.95 sweetie." There is a long silence, and suddenly I realize that all three guys are looking at me.

A blush slashes across my cheeks. "Oh me? I thought you were talking to him," pointing to the guy thumbing through comics on the counter in front of me.

"You thought I called him sweetie?" GCB asked incredulously. I smiled and retorted "Hey, I ain't judging."

All three guys laughed as I fished out my money. Since I was now funny girl, I inquired as to when the second comic was coming out. He informed me of the holding program that they offered, so I signed up for it. He asked me for a phone number, and I let him know that I would give him Lover Boy's number, as he had more free time to pick it up than I did. He inquired as to his name, so I gave it to him, saying "He got all the cool alliteration...I did not."

GBC applauded my knowledge of the word alliteration, which furthered his geekdom in my book.

I thanked him and walked out, wondering if they had all been picturing me naked the whole time I was in there. Or maybe just me in a sexy X-Men outfit.

Mime Language

"So this is low key Tuesday at the club." I thought to myself as Mischa and I strolled through the restaurant and upstairs to the smaller room they had opened for dancing that night.

We were there for the promoter of the club's birthday, so we had access to the "exclusive table" of the night. Because it was his birthday, there were a lot of people in that tiny area; it was literally shoulder to shoulder.

Wading through the crowd, we found a mutual friend and watched her drunken antics for a few minutes. Then she looked over Mischa to someone behind her, and yelled "Look behind you, say hi!"

Behind us was a guy that Mischa met for coffee once and he never called again. It was unmemorable, but occasionally they saw each other at these gatherings. Mischa turned around, tapped on his shoulder, and gave him a casual wave.

I watched this encounter, and fully expected him to wave back at her, then go back to his conversation. What actually happened blew my mind. He looked at her, and gave her the most disgusted look I've ever see anyone give someone else (that wasn't in the movies). You would've thought that Mischa had offered to give him a venereal disease, it was that bad. He even waved her off with his hand like she was a dog.

Shocked, I looked from him to Mischa, and she had the same look that I must've had on my face, which was utter shock. We both looked over at "Drunken Mutual Friend" only to see that she was completely trashed and not paying attention. "Did you see that?" Mischa asked her, and see said "What? I didn't see anything."

I looked back at Mischa, who was back looking at me, and then we looked back at him. He was back to his conversation and ignoring the face that any one even existed. I looked back at Mischa, still shocked, and she was looking back at me. Then we both started to laugh at the situation, and the fact that we just got ourselves out of a Three Stooges routine.

A few minutes later, when a drunk girl decided that I should be dancing and threw both her and her dates drinks at my feet, we decided that it was time to head home.

We had only stayed about 20 minutes. Later, in the car, Mischa was trying to describe the look she got from that guy, and suddenly hit on it; "He totally just said 'fuck you' in Mime!"

Adios, Motherf(*&^

Zeet plopped down on the couch next to me with a giddy look on his face. "Wanna see what my new apartment looks like?"

I matched his enthusiasm and said "Sure! Show me!" He told me what the name of the apartment complex was and we typed it into Google. We took a look at the Virtual Tour, where he pointed out the waterfall in the pool with glee. I had to admit it looked quite pleasant, and I joked that I would be over at his pool more than I would actually see him.

I was excited for him, and we talked about what room he would have, and how much rent was going to be, and about his new roommates. I didn't really worry about him leaving yet, I assumed he was going to move into the new apartment in April like we had discussed when he moved in.

A few nights ago Lover Boy informed me that he planned on moving as early as next week. This was something that I hadn't emotionally prepared myself for. I was infinitely more sad than I thought I would be.

I know that it's for the best. We didn't have enough room for him to move anything in but his computer and his clothes, so I'm sure he was never comfortable with us. He always felt like a guest and not like he was at home. I'm sure LB and Zeet's friendship has been strained by his paying us to stay here. It will be best for him to move into his new apartment.

But I'm really going to miss having an instant friend that I could stay up all night and talk with. LB just isn't a big talker, and I love long, drawn out conversations. I enjoy discussing every aspect of something until I feel I've talked all sides to death. I really don't have anyone else to do that with but Zeet. I'll him profoundly for that. He's mostly LB's friend, and we'll never really have time to hang out alone after he moves out. LB will get to see him at work, but Zeet and I will never go out and see a movie or go out for coffee. I'll likely never see him again unless there is a group party.

Zeet filled a hole that had been empty for a long time. Now I have to prepare myself for that hole to return. He hasn't even left yet, but I can feel the crater already forming.

Breakast of Champions

If she didn't have enough water, her diet pill made her queasy. Thinking she could make it from her apartment to her brunch date, she got in her car and set off.

Not even a block later she started to feel her stomach churn, and she pulled her car over at the convenience store. She parked and headed towards the entrance. As she walked towards the entrance she spotted a guy coming from the other direction.

He had a great looking body. He had the kind of body that looked like it took no effort, when really you know that he worked at it. The graphic tee and jeans hugged his body. She reached the door first and held it open for him, and he thanked her.

She hi-tailed it to the back of the store and contemplated the options; Arrowhead, Voss, Fuji, Evian.

She decided on Evian...she knew it was naive backwards, but she felt it was the cleanest tasting water. She started to speed walk towards the front, her stomach threating her more with each passing moment.

She accidentally cut off Graphic Tee guy who was coming up one of the middle aisles. She reached the checkout first and paid for her water. She slid her purse and water over so GTG could check out and she could put her change in her wallet.

Three things slammed down on the counter, one by one. She couldn't help but be curious as to what he was buying at 10 am.

2 Rock Stars and a Snickers. Maybe he did just accidentally get that body. She looked from the purchase to the guy.

He looked over at her purchase, then his, and she saw him slightly lower his head in shame.

She couldn't help but smile at him as she slid her water off the counter and strolled out the door.

I Hate Oprah

I know that I promised not to watch Oprah again. I hate her so much, with her judgmental self-righteousness. But a few weeks ago I saw the beginning and couldn’t help but watch the whole thing in order to make fun of it.

It started by her asking the audience to get out a piece of paper and write down five words that describe your marriage or relationship. For the record, I decided to play along, and choose silly, communicative, loving, fulfilling, and happy.

Then she brought Gary the WonderShrink. GtWS said that what every relationship needs to strive for is what he calls “spiritual partnership.” His description for this was “Equal, together for the purpose of spiritual growth. To that I had to say, “que?” I mean, are they talking about people trying to better themselves, or are they talk about religion?

He started in on Jerry Maguire and how Renee’s line, “You complete me” ruined the relationships of people everywhere. He said “Only you can complete yourself.” So far I was with him. But then he said “There are no such things as soul mates.”

He didn’t even elaborate; he just stated it as if he said “We are out of cheese.” As if that statement was just supposed to be taken and accepted. Oprah actually said “We are screwed by romance in this country.”

Then GtWS started to elaborate on the whole “Spiritual Partnership” thing. He started out by asking what a couple’s real intentions were when they entered into the relationship, because intention is motivation. I had to ask “Shit, I had to have a reason why? I couldn’t just do it because we were compatible and loved each other??? No one sent me that memo!” Which is when he said that companionship and love do not enter into those intentions.

He talked about how people needed to live lives of meaning, purpose, and to get motivation from their “spiritual partnership.” Oh, and the “Spiritual Partnership” ends when the spiritual growth stops. Who has this much energy???

Then both Oprah and GtWS start harping on romance again. They pretty much say it’s all a lie, and it doesn’t exist. Romance is Dead. Next on Oprah.

And, um, remind me again…how many times has she been married? None you say? Huh. Well, she’s the expert then. Wonder how many times Good Old Gary has been married.

GtWS said he doesn’t say you should do any of this, or make any changes to your relationship…only do something if you are feeling unfulfilled. Hell, right now I’m just glad I’m not stuck in an unloving relationship with Gary or Oprah.

By the way, Gary the WonderShrink is the author of “See to the Soul.” Funny how you can talk about soul, yet not believe in love or romance.

Actually They Might Have

Lover Boy and I are looking over the breaking news on MSNBC and saying "wow, really?" When Zeet walks out of his room.

"What? What happened?" Zeet asked.

"Anna Nicole Smith died a couple of hours ago." I said, amazed.

Zeet, not missing a beat, says, "Did someone ask her a word problem?"

Fart Jokes

"So, we are living together now, so things like this are gonna come up."

Lover Boy and I brace ourselves for something creepy. Instead, Zeet surprises us with "Ya know how you have to poop in stages sometimes? Then you look back (because you have to look back) and you think, 'Holy Shit, that came out of me?"

LB and I laugh and agree. It's nice to be this comfortable with someone, and I start to get a good feeling, like we are a family.

The next day I'm teaching Zeet how to use our scanner on the computer, and he looks down at the bed and sees that I left him his laundry.

"You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to fold my laundry." Zeet says, in an almost embarrassed voice.

"It was in with the rest of the laundry. That's what I do...that's what I contribute to the house!"
I say, not seeing a problem with it.

"But....now you've touched my underwear, and that's just weird." Zeet said. I stared at him to make sure he was serious, and then I laughed.

"Sweetie, It's time for you to build yourself a bridge and get over it. If I have to hear about your pooping habits, I can touch your damn clean underwear!"