Breakast of Champions

If she didn't have enough water, her diet pill made her queasy. Thinking she could make it from her apartment to her brunch date, she got in her car and set off.

Not even a block later she started to feel her stomach churn, and she pulled her car over at the convenience store. She parked and headed towards the entrance. As she walked towards the entrance she spotted a guy coming from the other direction.

He had a great looking body. He had the kind of body that looked like it took no effort, when really you know that he worked at it. The graphic tee and jeans hugged his body. She reached the door first and held it open for him, and he thanked her.

She hi-tailed it to the back of the store and contemplated the options; Arrowhead, Voss, Fuji, Evian.

She decided on Evian...she knew it was naive backwards, but she felt it was the cleanest tasting water. She started to speed walk towards the front, her stomach threating her more with each passing moment.

She accidentally cut off Graphic Tee guy who was coming up one of the middle aisles. She reached the checkout first and paid for her water. She slid her purse and water over so GTG could check out and she could put her change in her wallet.

Three things slammed down on the counter, one by one. She couldn't help but be curious as to what he was buying at 10 am.

2 Rock Stars and a Snickers. Maybe he did just accidentally get that body. She looked from the purchase to the guy.

He looked over at her purchase, then his, and she saw him slightly lower his head in shame.

She couldn't help but smile at him as she slid her water off the counter and strolled out the door.

I Hate Oprah

I know that I promised not to watch Oprah again. I hate her so much, with her judgmental self-righteousness. But a few weeks ago I saw the beginning and couldn’t help but watch the whole thing in order to make fun of it.

It started by her asking the audience to get out a piece of paper and write down five words that describe your marriage or relationship. For the record, I decided to play along, and choose silly, communicative, loving, fulfilling, and happy.

Then she brought Gary the WonderShrink. GtWS said that what every relationship needs to strive for is what he calls “spiritual partnership.” His description for this was “Equal, together for the purpose of spiritual growth. To that I had to say, “que?” I mean, are they talking about people trying to better themselves, or are they talk about religion?

He started in on Jerry Maguire and how Renee’s line, “You complete me” ruined the relationships of people everywhere. He said “Only you can complete yourself.” So far I was with him. But then he said “There are no such things as soul mates.”

He didn’t even elaborate; he just stated it as if he said “We are out of cheese.” As if that statement was just supposed to be taken and accepted. Oprah actually said “We are screwed by romance in this country.”

Then GtWS started to elaborate on the whole “Spiritual Partnership” thing. He started out by asking what a couple’s real intentions were when they entered into the relationship, because intention is motivation. I had to ask “Shit, I had to have a reason why? I couldn’t just do it because we were compatible and loved each other??? No one sent me that memo!” Which is when he said that companionship and love do not enter into those intentions.

He talked about how people needed to live lives of meaning, purpose, and to get motivation from their “spiritual partnership.” Oh, and the “Spiritual Partnership” ends when the spiritual growth stops. Who has this much energy???

Then both Oprah and GtWS start harping on romance again. They pretty much say it’s all a lie, and it doesn’t exist. Romance is Dead. Next on Oprah.

And, um, remind me again…how many times has she been married? None you say? Huh. Well, she’s the expert then. Wonder how many times Good Old Gary has been married.

GtWS said he doesn’t say you should do any of this, or make any changes to your relationship…only do something if you are feeling unfulfilled. Hell, right now I’m just glad I’m not stuck in an unloving relationship with Gary or Oprah.

By the way, Gary the WonderShrink is the author of “See to the Soul.” Funny how you can talk about soul, yet not believe in love or romance.

Actually They Might Have

Lover Boy and I are looking over the breaking news on MSNBC and saying "wow, really?" When Zeet walks out of his room.

"What? What happened?" Zeet asked.

"Anna Nicole Smith died a couple of hours ago." I said, amazed.

Zeet, not missing a beat, says, "Did someone ask her a word problem?"

Fart Jokes

"So, we are living together now, so things like this are gonna come up."

Lover Boy and I brace ourselves for something creepy. Instead, Zeet surprises us with "Ya know how you have to poop in stages sometimes? Then you look back (because you have to look back) and you think, 'Holy Shit, that came out of me?"

LB and I laugh and agree. It's nice to be this comfortable with someone, and I start to get a good feeling, like we are a family.

The next day I'm teaching Zeet how to use our scanner on the computer, and he looks down at the bed and sees that I left him his laundry.

"You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to fold my laundry." Zeet says, in an almost embarrassed voice.

"It was in with the rest of the laundry. That's what I do...that's what I contribute to the house!"
I say, not seeing a problem with it.

"But....now you've touched my underwear, and that's just weird." Zeet said. I stared at him to make sure he was serious, and then I laughed.

"Sweetie, It's time for you to build yourself a bridge and get over it. If I have to hear about your pooping habits, I can touch your damn clean underwear!"