Subconscious, Subconscious, Go Away

My mom was sitting on the couch, watching an old family movie.  I knew she would do this when it was time, so I put it in for her and we sat and watched it together, holding hands. 

She looked over at me and told me to take care of my sister, and not to be worried that this is how she had decided to end her life; before her health got too bad and the "quality of life" was down.  I told her she wasn't leaving me with many instructions, like what belonged to who in the house.  She said I could figure it out, and walked out of the room.

I awoke with a start, 6:00AM.  This time I didn't burst into tears right away and wake my husband, I held it together until I could leave the room.  Then I sobbed, and worried that my dream was prolific, and wanted to call my mom right away.  It took me 15 minutes to realize it was Saturday and when I talked to her last night she said she hoped the cat didn't wake her up because she wanted to sleep in.  I emailed her to call me, and now I sit and wait to see if my subconscious is correct, or if I have to just stop watching the last season of Buffy before I go to bed at night.

1 down...

I just finished my interview with Job B.  It sounds like something I'd be really good at, and she said it's basically going to turn into doing the social media for all the employees of the property.  It's a lot of writing, and I love writing.  I really think I can do it, but I just don't know.  I'll be called next week to either be out of the running or in for a second interview.

My mom and one of my friends said I should take job B if offered, and then if it doesn't work out, just quit and take job A (If I got Job A it wouldn't start until April, which would give me time to see if I like Job B).  I just don't know, it seems wrong.

I guess I'll figure out how I feel after Monday's interview.  Wish me luck!

Self Esteem at an all time low

I think what I need, more than anything right now, is someone that knows me really well to remind me of how awesome I used to be.  Because right now, I feel worthless.  I feel stupid and not worth anyone's time.  I feel so alone.

I got an email today to interview for another job (Job B)on Friday.  The job that I've been waiting for (Job A) is set for me to interview on the 31st.

Job A was voted a top Forbes "Best Place to Work."  It's answering phones and doing customer service, but it has potential to do more of the things I'm interested in.

Job B pays more.  I've worked for the company before, however, and there is NO chance of them being a "Best Place to Work" anytime this century.  I've been burned by them before.  But this is a different location, and it's, please excuse the expression, "a grown up job."  But, with grown up positions come grown up consequences.  I can see myself working too many hours and it losing it's fun quickly.

I'm still shell shocked from the last job.  I gave it my all, and I got dumped.  My job situation is very very very much like dating.  I had a guy, the guy wanted to take it to the next level, I said okay.  Then he got distant and moody.  I keep asking to have a talk with him, but he ignored me, and then without any warning dumped me.  I've been dumped before, and I'm gun-shy about it now.  I almost feel like what's the point?  I'm going to end up getting hurt anyway, and is it something I'm doing?  Is it me?  Is it the guys(job)?  And what do I want to do with my life anyway?

My New Years Resolution to myself was to not worry about turning the big 3-0.  To take life lightly, and let myself off the hook about feeling like I'm not where I wanted to be in my life.  Does that mean taking Job A?  Because if I really wanted an important job when I turn 30 in a couple of months, Job B would be it.

I'm lost.  I'm alone in my feelings, and it feels like no one understands how horrible I feel about my whole life.

Inner Voices Vs. Inner Child

I read a sentence from a book on Amazon that said "Can you separate the voices of your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media, and Hollywood from the voice of yourself--your own inner voice?"

It's a good question, and one that I have been feeling a lot of lately.  It's hard to think about something as lame as a car while I'm unemployed and just want to find a job to make it by on...but it seems to be something I'm coming back to.

I was pushed into buying what I consider a "mom car" a few years ago.  It's almost paid off, but in the meantime we've had a hell of a time together.  $5,000 worth of damage from a hit and run, and about $6,000 of solving a pesky "check engine" light problem.  It doesn't quite feel like it has power steering...ever.  I have to back in and out of every parking spot to get into it straight.  The gas tank is enormous, and nearly puts me out of house and home every time I have to fill it up.

I have another car in mind.  A dream car.  A car that reminds me more of my first car; compact, sporty, everything a Mom car is not.  Turns on a dime, has good gas milage, and the dealership has told me that I can basically get a new one and order everything that I want it to have, all the way down to a built in navigation system.

I've never had a new car.  My parents never owned a new car.  The idea of a car that is all mine and no one else's excites me.  I really want it.  I have all but promised it to myself as soon as I get a job and can afford it.

But, is it just me?  Is it my inner voice telling me what will make me happy and will be better in the long run?  Or is it my inner child wanting a toy that no one else has touched before?

It's the same with a lot of things lately.  The job I'm up for is a great company, and although it's a starter position, I have very high hopes for it.  So high that I'm deathly afraid I won't get it, and will be in serious trouble, because all other jobs have avoided my follow up calls and even outright rejected taking my resume.  The last 7 months has been very taxing on my self-esteem, and I just hope when I get into the interview, they don't see that.

Because I really want a new car.