I just want to be pretty...

I'm going home next week, and looking forward to getting a haircut.  Mostly because my fatigue is so bad that just the weight of my long hair gives me a headache by the end of the day.

I keep going back and forth on wanting to get a pixie cut.  I want one, but I'm worried that I'm so overweight I'll give off more of a butch lesbian rather than a Ginnifer Goodwin vibe.

Summer is here as well, and the fact that I can't go out and sit in the sun depresses me.  I can't find anything that fits my body.  I want so badly to have energy and be 70 pounds lighter.

I saw a Endocrinologist this week.  She was a very strong personality that told me that she didn't think the problem was my thyroid.  She said I might not even be Hypo anymore. 

She thinks she knows what's wrong, but wants to "try something" first.  She asked me to go off my birth control pills for 3 months.  It was in that moment I realized out of all the pills I took, I have relied on that one the most.  So much so I cried on the way home thinking about what I had to give up.  It was going to be as if someone took away my smart phone and told me to use a rotary phone for 3 months.

The ability to know when my period was going to come, and to know that I wasn't going to be a hormonal wreck every month, as well as being torn down by terrible cramps for 5-7 days was a godsend.

My husband understood as soon as I said I'd have to go off birth control pills.  The doctor asked if I was worried about getting pregnant, and I told her that was last on a long list of things that worried me.  She asked me if I was scared of getting pregnant, and I told her at my current weight, yes.  She said "Don't worry, I will take care of it if you get pregnant."  I wanted to ask "Like in the mob kind of way, or...?"

I just want to feel pretty again.  I want to be skinny and wear a bikini and go to the beach without feeling like everyone is watching me.  I want to get a haircut and feel good about myself.  I want to live again.

These next three months better be worth it.