Green Eyed Monster of Asses

"I'm cutting this a little close!" I thought as I rounded the corner to get up the stairs. A group of people were going straight and were a little ahead of me. I sped up to make the cutoff a little less mean of me and made it. I was up one step when I felt the hand collide with my my butt.
Now, before you get bent out of shape, I could tell by how the hand didn't grab me that it was an accident. In fact, the guy had said "Oh my god, I'm so sorry" before I could even turn around. I had to giggle a little...after all, it's not often that I get accidentally goosed. "Don't worry about it," I said and smiled at him, redding slightly. I was up on the third step by this point.

As I started to turn back around I saw his girlfriend push him from behind. Hard. He actually almost fell. I must have a twisted sense of humor, because I found this funnier than the butt "brush."

Why is it that girls get jealous over the tiniest thing? I'll be the first to admit that if someone is chatting up my significant other, and she isn't observing the three feet away rule, my hackles go up. I shake my finger up in the air and bob my head and say "oh no you didn't!" (Not really, 'cause I'd get beat down...not to mention made fun of...but I do it in my head!)

It's not a matter of trusting him, because I know he'd never cheat on me. But it's like when someone tells you to put on your seat belt. When you say that you drive safely, they say "It's not you I'm worried about, it's everyone else on the road!"

Girls' are sly and before you know it you are kissing them, and even you are surprised that it has happened. Some guys get thrown against a wall and kissed before they have time to think about saying "no." (I won't reveal your identity, but you know who you are! Three times...for shame! You'd think you'd keep to the middle of the room!)

Sometimes I feel like I'm an animal and someone has just crossed over into my territory and is going about sniffing in my trees like they are going to pee on them. It's like the Discovery Channel as I run over to Lover Boy and ask him to introduce me to the bit-uh, young lady to whom he is speaking. Yes, he IS my mine. NO, you may not pee on him. Who let you off your leash anyway???

It's in his DNA

Lover Boy participated in an AIDs walk last weekend. He got home from work around midnight the night before, and got caught up in getting ready. Before he knew it, it was 2 in the morning. It was then he decided that he'd just stay up all night, since he had to leave around 6am.

It was around 3pm that he was so tired he couldn't handle it, and he came to bed. He left late, around 7, and arrived at registration around 8. It was then he found out that registration lasted 2 hours, then the walk started. He was less than enthralled.

Because this was an AIDs walk, there were a certain amount of...religious zealots. Thankfully they were pretty low key, as far as zealots go. They just handed out fliers to their church, and kept away from the whole "homosexuality is a sin" thing.

Everything stayed pretty peaceful until Crabby Lover Boy got approached by a little old church lady. She held out the card to him and simply stated "Jesus Saves."

Before he could even stop himself, he said "Of course he does, he's Jewish!"

He then took a speed walk stance and took off for the finish line.

Mommy and Daddy are Fighting Again

"Are you here for the belly dancing class?" A woman asked us outside of the doors for the class. We nodded in agreement and she said "Well, they are already late, so go inside now." She gestured to the spinning class stretching out inside. She all but pushed us inside and we stood awkwardly inside the doorway. Mischa and I stood by helpless as BDI (Belly Dancing Instructor) and SI (Spin Instructor) squared off.

"You are supposed to stop 5 minutes before, you are late!" BDI bellowed to the SI with her indistinguishable accent. Her voice reverberated against the walls, and the Spin class froze mid-stretch.

"It's 5 till on this clock inside the room," SI pointed out, "We are just putting our things away now."

"We go by the clock outside, and it says you are 5 minutes late! You need to pay closer attention!" BDI chastised SI with a major finger wagging. It seemed to end in a stalemate until one of the Spin students approached BDI and told her that it was rude and out of line to talk to SI that way. BDI freaked out on her, and started complaining about everything else, from how she does this all the time to how she has to clean up after her class.

"I'm never going in a class before yours again" SI said, outraged. She stormed out of the room, leaving a mat behind. "You see, I have to clean up after you all the time!" BDI spat out. SI shouted "clean it up, bitch!" and slammed the door behind her.

Then we began our nice, calm, easygoing Belly Dancing Class.



Yeah. Awkward.

Feel the Burn Forever

"I need to sign up for the gym, and I need to make the body sculpting class in a half hour. Can you do that?"

"Have you toured our gym already?"

"Yeah, Yeah, I know where everything is, I don't need a tour. I'm here all the time with my friends."

"Okay, well, then I just need you to fill out this paperwork. I'll be right back, I'm just going to make a copy of your driver's license."

He leaves me alone in the tiny office to read. I have to be at that class, my friends are meeting me there. Then I see The Clause. I'm locked into paying $20 a month to this gym for two years. What is this, a cell phone agreement? What a damn sneaky way to get your money! Then he showed me the paperwork which stated how much that turns into by the end of the year...over $500 dollars!

So I sign my name to the paper with an angry florish, as if someone in the paperwork department will see my anger and change their policy. Afterwards I ask what they do if someone has to move? Seeing as how back home, this very minute, my father is laying in a hospital bed and no one knows what's wrong with him. I might have to move back to take care of my family.

He said that wouldn't be a problem, I'd just have to bring proof of my new address to their office, or if I got hurt a hospital bill. Of course, I'd still have to pay them $50 to opt out.

So this was it. I had joined the gym gang. The only other way out of this is death. I damn well better be skinny and hot by the end of these two years. At the very least I'll have lots of blogging material.

Greatest Comic Book Guy Ever

I pull open the door with a total lack of confidence and step inside. I feel the door close behind me and I take a deep breath, completely out of my element. I look around at all the comic books and shutter slightly.

The ideal situation would be that the three guys talking animatedly at the front counter would see I was a girl and obviously see I needed help. That wasn't what happened. They paused, the guy behind the counter said "Hi, how are you doing?" and went immediately back to saying how awesome Kitty Pride is.

I was stranded in Geekland with no assistance. I was going to have to find my own way to the reason I was there. Why oh why did they have to make season 8 into a comic book? I'd never felt more uncomfortable in my life.

I looked around in a panic, like I was looking for a way out. As luck would have it, it was sitting on a shelf in plain view. I breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed it and headed to the counter.

I stood behind the guy at the counter thumbing through comics and began to wait patiently.

"Hey, you knew what you wanted! You walked in with a purpose." He joked to me, then said "Come right over here, Hun." He took the book from me, and I followed him to the end of the counter next to the cash register. The man thumbing through the books was still standing there, so I stood behind him and decided to get lost in my thoughts until he was done.

Guy Behind the Counter (GBC) says "Okay, that's gonna be $3.95 sweetie." There is a long silence, and suddenly I realize that all three guys are looking at me.

A blush slashes across my cheeks. "Oh me? I thought you were talking to him," pointing to the guy thumbing through comics on the counter in front of me.

"You thought I called him sweetie?" GCB asked incredulously. I smiled and retorted "Hey, I ain't judging."

All three guys laughed as I fished out my money. Since I was now funny girl, I inquired as to when the second comic was coming out. He informed me of the holding program that they offered, so I signed up for it. He asked me for a phone number, and I let him know that I would give him Lover Boy's number, as he had more free time to pick it up than I did. He inquired as to his name, so I gave it to him, saying "He got all the cool alliteration...I did not."

GBC applauded my knowledge of the word alliteration, which furthered his geekdom in my book.

I thanked him and walked out, wondering if they had all been picturing me naked the whole time I was in there. Or maybe just me in a sexy X-Men outfit.