The Most Amazing Thing

I had 4 weeks worth of beginners training at my new job.  I start 3 more weeks of deep training next week.  I'm still in awe, because when I lost my last job they told me they couldn't take 8 hours out of their busy schedule to train me on something that people have degrees in.  My new job is entry level and I get 7 weeks of training.  Huge difference.

The last three days of training we got into groups and did a scavenger hunt.  We went all around the office, doing all the tasks and taking pictures to post to Twitter to show the trainers what we were doing, and learning about the culture of the company.  It was fun, it was great teambuilding, and we had a blast.

On Friday we had to do a presentation about what we did, and I edited together a video and set it to the current #1 pop song.  It's the perfect montage song, and we ended up winning the challenge.  We were given a $100.00 giftcard to go out with the team to a nice dinner.

All at once, without any talk, my team just gave me the gift card.  They told me to take my husband to a nice meal, and we'd all go out to eat some other time and to have fun.  Because I edited a video that helped us to win.

These are the amazing people I'm working with now.  Ones that recognize that I worked hard and gave me the credit.  I'm not sure that's ever happened to me.

A Bi-Polar Week

I started my new job last week.  It is everything and more that was promised, and I love it there.  While I'm in training, and for hours afterward, I was really happy, all week.  We all went out for happy hour on Friday, and I had an awesome time.

But today I've had time to think, time to regress back a little and think about other things in my life.  The week before I was back home visiting and helping out at a show.  I love being home because it's so much better than my current town, which is vapid and everyone is a fake.

But something happened back home.  I saw a friend in a different light, and it changed our friendship.  I no longer want to call her up and tell her how my week went, because I have the sneaking suspicion that she really doesn't care. I began noticing that whenever she called, it was about a problem she was having, and there seemed to be no time for my worries.  Her troubles with her boyfriend far outshown my new issues with my thyroid problem.  She even seemed to ignore the fact that I'd told her before I came that not only would I be tired all the time, but I'd be a little cranky too.  She insisted on bringing a friend with us everywhere who I don't like, and I really didn't like the way she was treating her new boyfriend.

While I was there she seemed to grow impatient with me if I didn't answer her texts right away, even though she knew I was out trying to help my mom.  Yet she showed up late to places and it seemed to be okay.  It seemed like she had become the kind of person that I avoided.  I hated that I felt like I was losing a friend.  Even on the last day I was there, after telling her to please call me before she flaked out on me, she called a solid few hours after she was supposed to show up to say she wasn't going to show up.  I felt hurt and betrayed, and then after some mis-communication I got another passive aggressive note from her, in a public forum.  It was the final nail in the coffin for me.

I've even given her the address for this blog, and told her how much writing means to me, but she's never logged on.  Maybe someday she will, and she'll see this, and know it was about her.  But somehow I think not.

So I left home disheartened, but waking up at 5AM the next morning for the job.  The job is so great though.  I was so happy all week, riding along on a cloud.  Everyone I met I loved, and I feel like I'm finally making friends in this town.  But today I'm thinking about it, and I'm sad about a friend that I feel like I've lost.  In her mind, nothing has gone wrong at all.  That makes me more sad.

The Pep Talk

In almost 7 hours I will be 30.  My New Years Resolution was to not fret about this.  To think about it in a positive light.  To not concentrate on how I should've accomplished more by now, but by how now everyone will take me seriously because I'm not a "twentysomething."

It's hard.  But it will come, and time will pass.  I can't stop time from coming, and I will be another year older.  I've been sick for the past few days, and have no plans tomorrow because I have no friends in this town.  Sure, I might get a few posts on my stupid Facebook Wall, but that's all that is happening tomorrow.  Even my mom said "give me a call tomorrow if you feel better."

For some reason I keep thinking about how my 21st birthday didn't turn out the way I wanted it to either.  It was smack in the middle of spring break, and everyone went on vacation.  I had my then future husband and my family.  We went to my favorite prime rib joint, and then the future hubby and I went to the bar for a drink.  The bartender asked for my ID, and didn't even wish me a happy birthday.  We shared a big fishbowl drink that was sort of tasty, but way too big.  Then he just drove me home, and I went to bed.  No party, no big deal made.  It just passed, and I was disappointed.  There were no surprises.

Tomorrow will be the same.  I'll wake up, we might go out to lunch before the hubby goes to work.  And then I'll be alone.  I'll make dinner, and I'll watch a movie, and I'll go to bed.  No fuss made, no surprises.

I'm not fond of this friendless pattern.  But when I think of posionious friends I've had, I'd rather be here then dealing with issues they have on my birthday.  At least my birthday belongs to me.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

"I can't wait..." has become my new catchphrase.  I say it out loud, but I say it more to myself.  I'm becoming a little obsessed with Future Me.

During mealtimes, I say to myself "I can't wait until my stomach is small enough that I can't use it as a table."

Looking in the mirror after a shower, "I can't wait until my tummy is smaller than my boobs."

Putting on a low cut shirt, "I can't wait until I drop from a C cup to a B cup again.  I look like a fat hooker.  There is no chance of 'perky' with a C cup."

Looking into my closet: "I can't wait until I fit into....any of these, really."

I just realized I need fat clothes for my first day of work in April.  Maybe I'll get some money for that from family...for my 30th birthday.

Sigh.  Is it the future yet?

"So, When Are You Due?"

While I was paying for my oil change today, I got the dreaded question, again.  The slightly older saleslady smiled at me and said "So, when are you due?"

It stings.  It always stings, but this time I knew it was because I wasn't looking forward to how it was going to feel the rest of the day.  I knew in my mind that it would haunt me the rest of the day.  It would eat away at my self esteem, until I was in sweatpants on the couch watching "Pretty Little Liars" feeling incredibly sorry for myself.

"The cars are ready" I texted my husband, who was inside the store; "forget about the ice cream on the list."

Don't Rain on My Parade

When I announced to friends and family that I had a thyroid condition, most expressed their relief that I was on my way to recovery.  A couple of good friends knew my struggle to lose weight, some even saw it firsthand.  But, there were a couple of people that were quick to be negative.  They said my problems wouldn't all solve themselves with this news, and that it might even be other problems on top of the thyroid and I still wouldn't lose weight.

I thought, "Really, the only thing I am is fat.  If I can lose weight, the rest of my problems will take care of themselves, because they're a complication of being fat.  Then I happened to look into the specific thyroid condition that I had, and more things became clear.

I had thought that the depression of not having a job had made me extra lazy, until some family came in this weekend and we went out.  After a couple of hours I really wanted to go and die.  The thought of the walk back to the car made me want to cry.  We played Apples to Apples the next night, and I had a hard time enunciating words during the game, long before the drinking even started.  After just one drink I just stopped talking unless the words were less than two syllables so I wouldn't slur.

First symptom of hypothyroidism: Fatigue and Sluggishness.

They wanted Hot Dogs this weekend, so we went to a famous hot dog "stand" that turned out to be just that.  We had to eat outside, and even though the temperature was a windy 65 F, by the end of the meal I couldn't feel my ears, nose, or hands.

Second symptom of hypothyroidism: Increased sensitivity to cold.

After a game of Apples to Apples, we moved on to Drunken Uno.  After awhile I realized I was holding my cards with one hand, and stretching my arm with the other, then alternating.  My legs hurt because of all the walking we had done that morning, but I hadn't worked out my arms at all.  Why did they hurt so much?

Third symptom of hypothyroidism: muscle aches, tenderness, and stiffness/Pain, stiffness, and swelling in your joints.

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"  I asked my family member.  Her hair is long, and healthy looking, and amazing.  I've never had amazing hair, but it has always been very thick and easy to manage.  Lately I've been wondering why the old standby shampoos haven't been doing much for me.  I've changed shampoos so often lately that it just became part of my regime when shopping: I never buy the same shampoo twice.  I just thought they were making shampoos more and more crappy.  I'd also been using my cortisone cream more and more often, but never thinking anything of it because I live in the middle of the desert where it's always 0% humidity.

Fourth symptom of hypothyroidism: Dry, brittle skin and hair.

I think this thyroid thing is going to solve more problems than I even knew I had.

Results

I sat in the doctors office, my heart pounding.  My mind kept going back to all those reality shows with the obese people sweating through a workout.  I was going to have to go on one of those shows.  Obviously all the working out and eating right were not going to be enough.  The doctor was going to tell me nothing was wrong, that I was just a lazy fat person.  I was only going to get bigger, and soon even Lane Bryant wouldn't be able to get me into clothes.

It was over.

He walked in the door and sat down.  I braced myself for the bad news.  Almost all I could hear was my heart in my ears.

"Well, you've got a thyroid condition, for sure.  Actually about 1 in 8 women have this; basically your thyroid just checked out.  You're tired all the time because your metabolism has been in the toilet for a long time.  Now, sadly, this is for the long term.  You'll be on this medication the rest of your life."

I looked up at him, relieved.  "I can live with that."

I think I can finally start to live again because of it.  I'm on my way back up.