And the clouds parted, and it was a partly cloudy day.

2 weeks ago, I woke up.  Truly woke up, and for the first time in many, many years (possibly a decade) I felt like doing something that day.  I had energy.

I had no idea how bad I had felt until I felt better.  This means that the thyroid meds are finally working.  I was contemplating suicide daily, but just didn't have the energy.  Maybe because I was already a little depressed, it pushed me to the edge.

Either way, I'm glad it's over, although a little worried that it could come back.  Until then, it's been so nice being normal.  Making plans to do something that required being physical and not dreading it with my life, but looking forward to it.

I actually hurt my back today, clearing out 4 bags of clothes and shoes from my closet.  I cleared out another closet so that I could actually fit all our luggage inside it.  It felt good hauling all the trash away.  I had plans to play tennis with a friend later today, but she never called.  It's the first time in weeks I was glad to rest.

I got on the scale yesterday and I had lost a pound.  Nothing special, and it could just be back tomorrow, but it's a start.  I feel like I'm on my way.

More Death?

My mom told me today that my uncle only has a few days, or months, to live.  I sent him an email telling him that I love him.  I didn't really get a chance to tell anyone else that.

I don't want to deal with another death.

Liver and Onions

My doctor had me go to do an ultrasound today to check on my liver.  He didn't really give me any reason why except for my "liver levels were high."  I have no idea what that could mean for me or my future, but I made the mistake of looking it up on the internet, so now I'm worried.  I either have hepatitis B, C, or cirrhosis.  The only problem with that is that I've never had a blood transfusion, am not a slut, and don't drink heavily.  Oh, and I'm deathly afraid of needles, so the chances of me sharing one are fairly slim.

So, hopefully there is nothing wrong.  But of course I won't get any feedback on this ultrasound for 2 weeks, so I guess I should just forget about it.  So I went home, caught up on Hoarders and subsequently filled up my trash bin just on the downstairs floor alone.

I guess this is the third thing on the list of things you can't have at once.  It used to be just your love life and your professional life, you couldn't make good on both.  Apparently, if you do have both, your health goes.

Did I mention my sugar levels keep going up and down, so I've been instructed to cut back on my sugar intake?

I'm going to go cry and drink some water.

Lasting Effects

I went to the doctor this week, and we are trying a different type of medication, and I'm doing an ultrasound for other reasons at the end of the month.

He also told me that over the past year my glucose levels were bouncing up and down.  I knew that I had been going overboard with the sweets, but when I thought back to why, it came down to a friend who didn't want to eat chocolate alone.

I was never really big on sweets, like my mom.  However, because of this "friend" I sort of got a taste for it that I never shook.  When I really sat down and thought about it, I needed something sweet at least once a day, if not two.  It was a bad friendship, but until this week I had no idea of the lasting effects that it had caused; I was actually had developed a bad habit that was bad for my health.

It also made me think of other relationships that have had bad lasting effects.  My cousin told me when I was very little that Nana (her dad's mother) didn't really love me, and whenever we were together she was just being nice to me.  When you are a kid, you pretty much take things at face value, and what she said made sense at the time.  Nana made them clothes and did things for them that she didn't do for me, but they did all live in the same city.

At the cousin's wedding a few years ago, I sat down and had a conversation with Nana, and she made a comment that she missed me and wished I'd call once in awhile.  I brushed it off, thinking that she was again, just being nice.  She died around the same time as my dad, and when I emailed her daughter to give my condolences, and she told me that Nana asked that she bring my thank you notes to the hospital before she passed. 

When I found out about that I cried for so long, because not only was she gone, but there was no chance of getting to know her.  Years that she wasn't just being polite, but she actually did like me, and I could have had another grandma.  She wouldn't have even kept my thank you notes if she didn't care.  An entire relationship lost because of one comment that my cousin made.

Now I have to worry about being diabetic because of another lasting effect of something someone else manipulated me into doing.  I'm not saying they are all 100% to blame, but I'm still disappointed that other people can mess with my life that much.

The Miracle of Life

There was a death in the family this month.  Like all deaths, it was expected yet unexpected.  It was a parent of my husband's this time, which is altogether a different thing from 2009 when I dealt with my side of the families deaths.

This week I watched the Hanukkah lights slowly burn down and finally out, like life.  I have to be strong for my husband, but in that moment, with the lights one by one going out, I let myself think about how life is like a candle, starting out burning bright, and slowly going out.

I started the year about to turn 30, and without a job.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and started thinking that maybe those weekly pill boxes might not be such a bad idea after all.  I did have a job lined up, and I managed to keep it before the end of the year, which has been nice.  I hope to get my thyroid medication working next year, enough so I can lose weight and think about having a baby.  Maybe.

I want to have the energy to enjoy life, before death comes knocking at my door.

New Car, New Life

I got a new car, and a few weeks after I got a new shift at work.  A shift that required me to wake up about the time that I was usually going to sleep.

It's been pretty bad, but the worst of it isn't that I have to wake up early, but the fact that in order to get 8 hours of sleep, I have to be asleep by 7pm.  People always say that it's awesome to get off of work early, but honestly when you have to be in bed by the time senior citizens are eating dinner, it pretty much kills life.

Thankfully, we just had another shift bid and I'm back to being a night owl again, which is what I love.  I also have a person I love back on my team at work, and 1 day off with my husband again instead of zero, which is nice.  It will be great to be back on the same sleep schedule, where we share a bed for more than 2 hours at a time.

When I posted a picture of my car on FB, my 6th grade best friend said "this car is totally you" which meant so much to me.  I feel like I'm getting my life back a little.

If only my thyroid meds were working better.  It's been 6 months, and all I've ended up losing is 4 pounds.  I'm eating under how many calories I'm burning a day, and 4 pounds is all I've lost.  And I'm still very tired all the time.  I guess that means it's time for another doctor's appointment.

The Mom Car

So, I hate my car.  I've hated my car since I've gotten it in 2006.  I was forced into buying it, and sometimes I wish I had thrown money into my first car and just kept it.  My car now feels like a mom car, and I hate feeling fat and old in it.

My car is now approaching 100,000 miles, the magic number where you can't get anything for it.  I feel like my sentence should be up with this car, and I want it out.  I want a car that I connect with.  Maybe I watch too many Herbie movies, but my first car and I had a relationship.  I talked, it listened, we worked as a team together.  I had a connection with it, and we were good together.  I want that again.  I want to trade in my mother-in-law of a Camry for something younger, hipper, and more me.

I test drove a couple different cars the other day, and I found myself thinking more into the future with my car choice.  The car I choose will be the one I cart my future kids around in.  I don't want to be the mom that doesn't think about her kid's comfort and carts them around in a tiny car.  On the other hand, I'm not going to go out and buy a mini-van and drive it around for 2 years before I have kids.

I can't believe that I'm thinking about cars and babies at the same time.  This is silly.  I'm picking out a mom car.