TMI?

Monday I had to wake up early to go to the doctor.  I told him about all my symptoms, he agreed it might be a thyroid condition, and set me up for blood work to be done next week.  While I was there I asked him to take a look at my tonsil, which had a white spot on it.  I just wanted to make sure it was nothing serious.  He told me it was the beginning of an infection, just gargle with salt water and it should come out.  He said he didn't feel it warranted antibiotics, and I agreed.  It really just felt like I had a bit of food stuck in my throat, otherwise I felt fine.

Later in the afternoon I went to the interview with Job A.  The interviewer was a very nice guy, but seemed to be holding back, as if peaking at me through a set of drapes.  He dissed my resume, saying I should have dates and my entire job history on it.  I mentioned I used to work at a video store, he asked if I had seen a particular obscure movie.  I didn't know it, that seemed to be a point against me.  I found myself floundering on questions I normally would've answered with conviction.  Then a team leader came in, and apparently she was on the "good cop" side, because I had no problems connecting to her and showing my stuff. 

I was returned to the first guy to take a test, which, once we got to the testing area, was being used.  He turned to me, saying "I assume you know how to cut and paste?" He asked.  "I'm a master cut and paste-er." I said, and he laughed.  He told me to send him a complete resume and he'd get in touch with me.

I felt like he didn't like me.  I really wasn't sure, he really did seem to hide behind a veil, as if he didn't want someone to see how he actually was.  It shook me, and I was sure I had screwed it up.

The anxiety grew more and more as the day wore on, and I couldn't stop my mind from freaking out about my whole life.  I started to wonder why I hadn't asked the doctor that morning for some anti-depressants.  Obviously this wasn't getting any better...what was I going to do? 

At 2AM I finally laid down to try and sleep, and felt something come from the back of my throat onto my tongue.  I went to the bathroom and spit it out, and it was the spot on my tonsil.  It was the size of a peppercorn, and I was grossly intrigued by it.  I went and got a flashlight and looked at my tonsil, and saw a huge hole in it.

Suddenly, seeing that crazy hole, I felt better.  It was the same feeling that cutters describe, the release of concentrating on a physical pain instead of the emotional pain.  I suddenly knew everything was going to be okay.  My throat started to hurt, but I took some medication and went to bed.

By the next morning, Job A called to say I got the position.

Subconscious, Subconscious, Go Away

My mom was sitting on the couch, watching an old family movie.  I knew she would do this when it was time, so I put it in for her and we sat and watched it together, holding hands. 

She looked over at me and told me to take care of my sister, and not to be worried that this is how she had decided to end her life; before her health got too bad and the "quality of life" was down.  I told her she wasn't leaving me with many instructions, like what belonged to who in the house.  She said I could figure it out, and walked out of the room.

I awoke with a start, 6:00AM.  This time I didn't burst into tears right away and wake my husband, I held it together until I could leave the room.  Then I sobbed, and worried that my dream was prolific, and wanted to call my mom right away.  It took me 15 minutes to realize it was Saturday and when I talked to her last night she said she hoped the cat didn't wake her up because she wanted to sleep in.  I emailed her to call me, and now I sit and wait to see if my subconscious is correct, or if I have to just stop watching the last season of Buffy before I go to bed at night.

1 down...

I just finished my interview with Job B.  It sounds like something I'd be really good at, and she said it's basically going to turn into doing the social media for all the employees of the property.  It's a lot of writing, and I love writing.  I really think I can do it, but I just don't know.  I'll be called next week to either be out of the running or in for a second interview.

My mom and one of my friends said I should take job B if offered, and then if it doesn't work out, just quit and take job A (If I got Job A it wouldn't start until April, which would give me time to see if I like Job B).  I just don't know, it seems wrong.

I guess I'll figure out how I feel after Monday's interview.  Wish me luck!

Self Esteem at an all time low

I think what I need, more than anything right now, is someone that knows me really well to remind me of how awesome I used to be.  Because right now, I feel worthless.  I feel stupid and not worth anyone's time.  I feel so alone.

I got an email today to interview for another job (Job B)on Friday.  The job that I've been waiting for (Job A) is set for me to interview on the 31st.

Job A was voted a top Forbes "Best Place to Work."  It's answering phones and doing customer service, but it has potential to do more of the things I'm interested in.

Job B pays more.  I've worked for the company before, however, and there is NO chance of them being a "Best Place to Work" anytime this century.  I've been burned by them before.  But this is a different location, and it's, please excuse the expression, "a grown up job."  But, with grown up positions come grown up consequences.  I can see myself working too many hours and it losing it's fun quickly.

I'm still shell shocked from the last job.  I gave it my all, and I got dumped.  My job situation is very very very much like dating.  I had a guy, the guy wanted to take it to the next level, I said okay.  Then he got distant and moody.  I keep asking to have a talk with him, but he ignored me, and then without any warning dumped me.  I've been dumped before, and I'm gun-shy about it now.  I almost feel like what's the point?  I'm going to end up getting hurt anyway, and is it something I'm doing?  Is it me?  Is it the guys(job)?  And what do I want to do with my life anyway?

My New Years Resolution to myself was to not worry about turning the big 3-0.  To take life lightly, and let myself off the hook about feeling like I'm not where I wanted to be in my life.  Does that mean taking Job A?  Because if I really wanted an important job when I turn 30 in a couple of months, Job B would be it.

I'm lost.  I'm alone in my feelings, and it feels like no one understands how horrible I feel about my whole life.

Inner Voices Vs. Inner Child

I read a sentence from a book on Amazon that said "Can you separate the voices of your parents, your teachers, your friends, the media, and Hollywood from the voice of yourself--your own inner voice?"

It's a good question, and one that I have been feeling a lot of lately.  It's hard to think about something as lame as a car while I'm unemployed and just want to find a job to make it by on...but it seems to be something I'm coming back to.

I was pushed into buying what I consider a "mom car" a few years ago.  It's almost paid off, but in the meantime we've had a hell of a time together.  $5,000 worth of damage from a hit and run, and about $6,000 of solving a pesky "check engine" light problem.  It doesn't quite feel like it has power steering...ever.  I have to back in and out of every parking spot to get into it straight.  The gas tank is enormous, and nearly puts me out of house and home every time I have to fill it up.

I have another car in mind.  A dream car.  A car that reminds me more of my first car; compact, sporty, everything a Mom car is not.  Turns on a dime, has good gas milage, and the dealership has told me that I can basically get a new one and order everything that I want it to have, all the way down to a built in navigation system.

I've never had a new car.  My parents never owned a new car.  The idea of a car that is all mine and no one else's excites me.  I really want it.  I have all but promised it to myself as soon as I get a job and can afford it.

But, is it just me?  Is it my inner voice telling me what will make me happy and will be better in the long run?  Or is it my inner child wanting a toy that no one else has touched before?

It's the same with a lot of things lately.  The job I'm up for is a great company, and although it's a starter position, I have very high hopes for it.  So high that I'm deathly afraid I won't get it, and will be in serious trouble, because all other jobs have avoided my follow up calls and even outright rejected taking my resume.  The last 7 months has been very taxing on my self-esteem, and I just hope when I get into the interview, they don't see that.

Because I really want a new car.

Christmas Movies

I decided this Christmas season to watch all those Christmas movies that people talk about.  They always say how wonderful they are, and how they look forward to watching them all year.  I was not impressed by any of these movies.

Miracle of 34th Street-This was my husband's favorite, and I have to admit there is a certain charm to it.  It helps that I love the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which is how it starts.  But then it just meanders on and on...and as a whole it's a nice movie, but not one I'd ever go out of my way to watch again.

It's a Wonderful Life-So, I really thought that this movie would have more to do with Christmas, but really Christmas was just sort of there while everything else happened around it.  And, I'm sorry, but I'm used to seeing Jimmy Stewart not be a huge jerk to everyone, and I didn't like it.  He's much better talking to an invisible rabbit or making filibusters. 

White Christmas-Again, it was a movie, where Christmas just happened by.  A cute enough movie, of course, but I never care about seeing it again.

A Christmas Story-I just found this movie overly strange.  Why doesn't he ever bring in the rest of the mail?  Why does he want a BB gun so bad?  He seems overly influenced by the media, isn't that bad?  Why in the world would anyone make an award into a chessy leg lamp? Kids curse all the time, why is it such a big deal in this movie?  Don't people know that this movie is based on a bunch of articles written for Playboy?  I think he only got that gun because he wouldn't have shut up about it otherwise.

Now, this is the one that everyone thinks is fantastic.  About 15 minutes into the movie, I posted a comment on Facebook about how I was watching it, and so far it was overly narrated, which it is.  I don't know how that's even debatable. 9 comments later, I found that no one is able to be objective about this movie.

No one has any actual valid reasons for thinking this is a good movie.  They just stand by it blindly because it's been part of their childhood, the same reason no one can say for certain why they like "Wizard of Oz."  It's because they can't remember their life without it, they can't seem to be objectionable.

What I do instead of buckle down

I decided today would be the day I started writing a novel I've been thinking about.  Unemployment looks like it's going to last for awhile now, so I might as well have a project, something to look forward to everyday.

So I sat down at my brand new desk, opened a Word document...transcribed what notes I had taken about it into the document....

And then I started dicking around.

I checked Facebook.  I checked Twitter.  I checked Tumblr, even though that site isn't really my demographic.  I tuned into Logo and found a Nip/Tuck rerun marathon.

Man, that Quentin fellow was creepy from the start, wasn't he?

And then I wrote a paragraph.  I did some research to back up what I just wrote, then realized I hadn't quite set up Skype yet.

So I told my sister to Skype me, and we troubledshot (troubleshooted?) until I figured out the problem with my new webcam.  I still can't get Dailybooth to work with the camera.

Then I went back to writing, and turned back on Nip/Tuck.  Did you know that the new Kinex for the Xbox only works on white people?  Apparently it only picks up white skin.  There's gotta be a racism card someone can play and sue them for that...

I'm pretty sure my ADD is too bad to write a novel.  But, I'm sure gonna try.