a 180 or a 360?

I've found lately that people expect me to be a completely different person. Last year when my dad died, I was sad. I'm still sad. It's not something you just get over. Especially since I lost the rest of my grandparents too, and that was the first time I've even had someone close to me die. In my life.

I'm still sort of processing. But it seems to some people, that I should be...well, "over it" already. People saying I don't seem "happy" to be there. Like they didn't know me before. I was never the type of person to "bounce" into a room, unless I had just drank 5 energy drinks. At Once.

I'm finding this "Life after Death" life somewhat strange. You are constantly assessing how you should be acting, making sure you aren't offending anyone. I've tried avoiding parties and functions with tons of people, because I'm just not sure how to react.

Mostly, I'm still me. I'm not really being different. But for some reason, I guess I should be acting like I just gave the world a Coke. Why do people think this way? I feel like everyone in the world gets to fall apart, but for some reason I'm just not allowed. Everyone gets a day off, except for me.

Original Reality

So, I discovered recently that The Real World was in D.C. this season. I imagined trips to the Smithsonian and maybe a group job at the Senate.

I know, I should've known better. As of this writing, they haven't gone anywhere except to bars. They have, however, brought up some ever so interesting personal habits.

I think this girl's name is Ashley, but man on man she is a hot mess. She is overly defensive and confrontational, and I get where she's coming from, but she doesn't understand where everyone else is coming from. She is such a contradiction, from going to church to screaming at people and saying she can't trust anyone because her mom told her she never wanted to see her again.

It makes me really think about when I was that angry, and I wonder if everyone thought I was immature and stupid when I thought I was being strong and bold.

All of the girls in the house are kind of a mess, if only because they back up this girl's anger. Don't get me wrong, I do see where this girl's coming from. I emphasize with her immensely. I still come off as a bitch sometimes in order to keep people at a distance. It's a defense mechanism that always works.

But she takes it to this amazing extreme that keeps me coming back week after week. Which, I guess, is why she was cast. I just hope she sees this show and it's a wake up call for her to drop the bitch act for awhile.

Fresh Panic

We handed in the keys for our apartment of five years on Saturday. We talked with the manager and she said we should expect a refund in the mail soon. Yesterday we got a bill in the mail.

We were expecting to lose the cleaning deposit. We'd been in there for 5 years, and even though we'd kept it as clean as possible, dirt happens. But we also had to put a deposit of $45 on a gate opener, and a $75 pet deposit. We were expecting at the very least, a check for that.

Lover Boy is going in to talk to them today, but last night it was still on my mind. I went to bed and was staring up at the ceiling. It was then I noticed how far away the ceiling actually was. How big our bedroom was. Suddenly a fresh wave of panic swept over me as I realized we were responsible for this whole big house.

No longer could we call the office if our shower-head was leaking. We didn't have a pool key. We had a huge house. What did we get ourselves into?

As suddenly as it came, it vanished. We did the right thing, and I was panicking because I thought we'd have to pay more money to the apartment, and had we stayed in the apartment, we wouldn't be dealing with it at all.

I've never been good with change. Technically, this most recent move was only my second in my lifetime.

But this is the first house where I've been able to pull my car into a garage. The first where I have to remember trash day, and I get to recycle without it being a huge pain in the ass.

I've already gotten so used to leaving my car unlocked in the garage that I actually found my car door wide open this morning. I was terrified I'd be late for work because the battery would be dead, but I was lucky.

I continue to be lucky. But after the last year, I think it's the least fate can do.

Gee, do you think they'll get it?

When are people going to learn that the direct approach is the best approach?

Yes, I'm bitching about Facebook again.

Now this stupid junior-high style bullshit is going around where females are posting the color of their bra as their facebook status, with no explanation. They are supposedly doing this to race breast cancer awareness, and to eff with the males because they won't know what's going on.

Yeah, the best way to raise awareness about something is to NOT MENTION IT AT ALL!!!!!!!

And what is it even doing? If you get everyone to do it, then what? So they know about breast cancer. Did you think they didn't know about it before? Do you think posting my bra color is going to suddenly made me find a cure, or get involved anymore than I already am? Nope. It's not doing a damn thing.

So knock it off.

Experiencing Life...Live.

I have to vent: I hate social networking so fucking much. I am SO sick of passive aggressive, plain aggressive, and deliberately vague status updates.

There is nowhere else on earth to be direct and to the point, so stop being vague. Don't say "Is thinking of someone special..." Get up off your ass and find that person, and tell them. The rest of us don't give a shit.

"Please pray for Joe in his time of need." Who is Joe, and why do I need to pray for him? Does God really listen to vague-ass prayers like that? I don't think so.

" :-) " That's not a status update. That doesn't tell me what is going on in your life, or what you are up to.

All I'm asking is just to use status updates for actual status updates, not some bullshit thing that you claim you don't even want to talk about. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, STOP POSTING IT ON THE FUCKING INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/end rant.

Tis the Season

Stolen by someone who in turn stole it from someone else:

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift Bags. I can't wrap with a darn, and you get to the presents sooner!

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial. I hate the thought of killing a tree every year. Plus, messy clean up.

3. When do you put up the tree? The better half usually puts it near the TV.

4. When do you take the tree down? Depends. Usually I'll let him leave it up a little bit longer, especially this year, since it wasn't up until yesterday.

5. Do you like eggnog? When he makes it, oh yeah. Sooooo good.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My Princess of Power castle. We went to this fancy-smansy store uptown and picked it out of the window.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? No. We don't really put much religion into our holiday. But who does anymore?

8. Hardest person to buy for? My Mom. She's allergic to EVERYTHING.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My best friend. She never met a fabric/scent/bath product she didn't like.

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? I honestly can't remember. Couldn't have been that bad, I guess!

11. Mail or e-mail Christmas card? I love getting stuff in the mail. There is something more special about someone taking the time to send something rather than just pressing send.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Nutcracker.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? This year I started in the time of never because we just made a HUGE purchase and can't afford a thing.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Nope. Unless it was a office gift exchange.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Pumpkin Pie. I know it's more October-ish, but I love it SO much.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Don't care.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Well, this year it's that Wings song, but just because I know it pisses someone off :-)

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Don't care.

19. Can you name Santa’s reindeer? I'm sure if I thought about it long enough.

20. Do you have an Angel on top or a star? Star

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? During Hanukkah, 'cause it's usually sooner.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? People. So, pretty much like the rest of the year.

23. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented? Fruitcake. It's a decoration because 9 times out of 10 you can't eat it.

25. Which looks best theme trees or homey trees? Wait, what?

26. Gingerbread or sugar cookies? Gingerbread.

27. Do you like Fruitcake? See 23.

Man Up, and Be Ready to Be Hurt

Remember getting those survey notes in school as a kid?

Do you want to go out with me? Circle yes or no

When you are a child, the entire world is new and rejection is something you want to avoid at all costs. We believed that it would hurt much less in a note than it would be face to face.

Simply put, children are just that; children.

Adults should be old enough to take rejection face to face. Anyone who goes through a social networking site should be shot down immediately.

I recently got an email on a social networking site with the subject line "confidential" and the body of the email only consisted of a male asking me if he thought my friend would date him.

You know that old saying, "If you have to ask, the answer is no?" That's the kind of answer I wanted to give this guy. Not only was he not man enough to ask her himself, but he wanted a old high-school fallback in case he would get rejected.

Advise to the men, direct from a woman: A girl will never fall for a guy who likes to work with a net like that. Think of all the classic men that women fall in love with throughout the ages; The rebel who takes what he wants, and makes girls swoon...the romantic (think Edward Cullen from the stupid Twilight Series), might look lovingly, but won't be pussy enough to give you a note. Love letter, maybe. The list goes on.

The one guy who will send the note will send off the air of uncertainty, and insecurity. Who wants to go out with the geek who will never get any because he's too busy sending notes instead of impressing the girl?