I got busy, I got a job, and then I cried

I think I have Ergophobia.

I've been stage managing a play, and running a box office for another show.  I've been happy, but not getting paid.

I got a job today.  I'm so terrified.  I start on Tuesday.

My last job screwed me up emotionally.  I feel emotionally abused.  I'm so scared that I'll get fired, and I know that comes from my last job.  I was scared I was going to get fired everyday.  My anxiety level is out of control right now. 

I should be happy, but I can't stop worrying and crying.

Can't You Hear That Jingle Jangle Sound?

Lately I've had a few songs from musicals stuck in my head.  "Every Little Piece" from Pete's Dragon and "Money Money Money" from Momma Mia.  Both of the things these songs have in common is finances, and lusting after it.

While looking for something else in my mother's house a few weeks ago, I found my 6th grade yearbook.  They had us all write where we would be when we were 30 years old.  I wanted to be editor of a newspaper, and live in a beach house in California.

Every once in awhile I'll check Zillow.com and look at beach houses.  I'm still that little kid.  Those are still things I want at 34, although editor of a dying medium doesn't seem like beach house material.  The money just wouldn't be there.  Those houses are millions of dollars.

The money from the house sale is dwindling to nothing.  Job prospects are still low.  I'm still so selfish, clinging to flashy houses/apartments/parties.  I had an okay job and a nice house, but no friends.  Now I have friends, but no house fit to invite them over to.  No money to go out with.  I am selfish to want it all...but I also don't think that the American Dream is too much to ask.

I don't really need a huge house.  A nice one to hold small dinner parties in would be fine.  A small yard.  Something I wouldn't be embarrassed to show people, like my mom's house.  Mom's house is big but filled to the brim with crap.  We had a BBQ the other week for mothers day and I didn't even want anyone coming in to use the bathroom.  I just want a bathroom to be proud of.  One that doesn't have a yellow porcelain tub and sink.  It's amazing what didn't bother me as a child that bothers me now about the house.

I'm also going crazy never being alone.  Whenever Hubby isn't home, my mother is.  I miss having a big house to be alone in.  I want to be with people, I want to be without people.  Sometimes I think I'm so picky that I'll never really be happy.

Yet I am happy, happier than I was before.  I am improving, even though it feels like a step back.

But I still would like a big vat of money to fall into my lap.

Home

I had lunch with a high school acquaintance today, and posted a picture on my Instagram thanking her for the coffee date.  She commented "Glad you're home!" and at first I misunderstood and thought she was happy I got back home safe.  Did I drive crazy?  Did I forget something we've talked about?

Then I realized, she meant home.  Back in town home.  She was glad I was back.

After 4 months, she was really the first one to express that I was home.  Now it feels way more real.  I'm here.

Vicious Cycles

This is one of those days where I hate my mother.  She's so condescending and doesn't say what she means and is so passive aggressive and some days I just can't fucking take it anymore.

No wonder I was a depressed kid.  A moody teenager.  An angry adult.  I can't deal with her shit and guilt tripping much longer.  I applied for 3 jobs today and followed up on a lead.  We need to get jobs and get out of my mother's house.  Tomorrow I will be better, but right now I'm fully willing to let her rot away inside her hoarder home until she dies, and then I will happily throw away everything she owned and make the house nice, and sell the shit out of it.

I know I'd be sad that she was gone...but I'm not going to lie, part of me will be relieved. 

Kiss Me, I'm 33.2% Irish

I decided to organize all the mail we had lying around everywhere today, and put it on the hall table in a double-decker letter tray.  I had asked her about doing it before, and she said that it wasn't any of her mail.  So to show her it was, I put it all together.

Passive Aggressive Teenager attitude reared it's ugly head in my mother.  She took her mail and went upstairs to her room with it.  Hubby was working for three hours on a St Patrick's Day dinner she almost didn't come down to eat.  Then she just pushed around her food on her plate not saying anything.  She retreated back to her room after dinner and didn't say anything to anyone.

I apologized to hubby, and he was still a little miffed about it considering she had ruined the whole dinner with her attitude.  She wonders why we don't bother to make dinner or spend time with her.

I really should have not let it go when Hubby said it would be okay to move in with her.  I would have said I wasn't going to do that and we should find an apartment.  I had a Skype interview today that I hope goes well.  If it does we are moving out ASAP.

Time To Stop Being Angry. This quote helped me.

“We have only a little time to please the living. But all eternity to love the dead.”

—	Sophocles, Antigone

Death, Take a Vacation

The best man from my wedding died suddenly a little over a week ago.  As soon as my husband's phone rang I knew he had passed.  If it was intuition or my ability to go straight to worst case scenario, I guess I'll never know.

Even though my dad and both my grandmothers had passed, this one was different.  All of those didn't come with the horrific element of surprise.  I also didn't have to deal with a terribly co-dependent friend this time around like I did with my dad.

This time around I didn't really feel like I had the right to be upset.  It was Hubby's friend, not really mine.  We spent some "couple" time together for sure, but he wasn't really my friend.  In fact, I had the distinct impression that he was amused by me, but had no interest in getting to know me personally.

He was a very passionate guy. He would get obsessed with something and it would be 300% about that topic until he was over it.  It could come off as extremely selfish, and a lot of the time it was.  It was.  I'm still angry with him.  I'm angry that his perfect family, his perfect life in his mansion, wasn't enough to seek the help he needed.  He's a selfish asshole.  He was a selfish asshole.  Even if his death turns out to be an accident, I'm still mad at him for not getting his shit together.

But I'm not allowed to have those feelings.  He's not a friend, I'm not supposed to have opinions about this.  I'm supposed to just be there for Hubby.  I'm trying my best to be there for him.  But my own feelings keep getting in the way. 

I'm so inappropriate when it comes to death.  All I could think about during the open casket was what a long day his corpse had, with a viewing from 4pm-8pm and then off for cremation in time for his funeral at 11AM the next morning.  It looked like him, but it also looked like someone from Madam Tussaud's had an intern do him.  If he was getting cremated later, was he in a longer casket?  When my sister was giving me a hard time about what I was wearing to my Grandmother's funeral, I told her that she humped the couches so much as a toddler that my mom took her to a doctor to see if she was okay.  Yeah, I put the fun in funeral.

I've cried almost ever other day since it happened.  Today I was super fatigued and slept through most of the day.  I hope this is the beginning of the acceptance phase, because I'm over this anger phase.

February 2014 Summary

First Week: I totally forgot how balls out sick I was.  I've got a sinus headache today, it seems I'll always be doomed to start the year feeling like crap.

Second Week: My BFF has to do a paper on the Lego Movie this month, so it's a little silly that a year ago this month I went to see it and wasn't impressed.  I guess I was in the minority. I celebrated Valentine's day on the 10th last year, and on the 11th this year.  We went to a hotel room even though we shouldn't be spending the money. 

It sort of hurt my heart to read the part where I thought I was seeing G for the last time.  I was transported back to how horrible that all felt.  I'm so glad we were able to get past everything.  The self centered girl who was pregnant had her kid, and it had many, many problems.  It seems her self centered days are over.

Third Week: The friend I gave the geode to recently had some sort of breakdown and temporarily moved back home.  My heart breaks for him, and at the same time he won't really let anyone in to help.  I guess some things you must do on your own.

I still want a baby goat.  I'm sad that I didn't get to work in the photo studio.

Fourth Week: I'm still getting shafted by pharmacies.  The non-nazi doctor just called in a prescription to the wrong pharmacy -_-
"A leopard doesn't lose their spots completely?" Geez, I wrote that?  Loser.

My takeaway from the month is that a lot of shit and sickness went down, and I guess I should stop being a mopey bitch today.  I was feeling very alone, but obviously I'm better off than I was this time last year.  I need to cheer up and get to applying for more jobs.

January 2014 Summary

First Week:  Well, it's nice that I lost around 5 pounds during the course of the year.  I also seems to get deathly sick every January.  "I just need to prepare myself for the town it has turned into, rather than the town it was 10 years ago." I'm still getting used to that.  My love for Tim Gunn has never wavered. My sister's cat is still a pain in the ass.

Second Week: I wish my period was late.  It seems it is always early now.  I still have "Her" on my Amazon Wish list.  I'm glad that G and I got our friendship back after a short time.  People still expect me to be the one that drives everywhere, and it still kinda pisses me off.  I'm glad I don't have cubicle mates anymore.

Third Week: I still love dirty martinis.  I don't even remember Under the Gunn, which I guess says something about why there was no season 2.  Melrose Place was a hellva show.

Fourth Week: Awkward that a sweet text from a friend is someone I never speak to again weeks later.  I can count the times I've had quinoa on one hand.  I should have it more often I guess.  I'm still mad about how expensive Disneyland is.  I'm not getting headaches as often anymore, which is good.  I am having more soda than I ever did, which is bad.  I've got to stop that.

Takeaway from this month would be that I knew exactly what I was getting into with my decision.

FAIL

I started to look over my project, and true to form I actually failed this project.  June 13th is missing.  And August 29th. Oh yeah, and October 9th.  So, first impression is I'm a big fat failure.  Makes me want to just give up on my Instagram project this year.

New Years Eve. New Year, New Resolution

I'm up early to let in the handyman for a check up on our heater. I got an email this morning that the three hour interview was for nothing. I was almost relieved. 

Of course, that means I'm truly unemployed going into the New Year. 

My mom wants me to pursue writing and photography as a means of making money. I'm not sure I can work by myself like that, but I guess only time will tell what next year holds for me. 

I think this writing exercise has been both good and bad.  Good in that it forced me to write every day, which was something that I needed to do anyway. Bad in the sense that I don't feel like I got any good quality writing out of the entire year.  I didn't work on my novel at all, and the November project completely messed up my entire writing style. I think a photography challenge would be a little better for next year, as it affords me more time to write creatively. I'm going to few hours left to decide what kind of photography challenge it will be. 

I'll be back here to consolidate the months and see exactly what I learned from it. Hopefully I can still get something out of it. 

Until then, Happy New Year everyone. 

Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?

I am awake at 5 AM and it snowed several inches. Hubby was awake for a minute, so I asked if he wanted to build a snowman. He said no. :-(

Later we did a thousand things and hubby scared me by sliding all over the road.  I guess I'm not over my near accident.

A 3 Hour Interview

I had a three hour interview today. I either nailed it or bombed because I bombed the math test.

Into the Woods

The BFF, hubby, mom and I went to see Into the Woods. Mom bailed on food afterwards so we got burritos and took a trip to Sam's Club. We bought the BFF's BF a frame for his mattress and loaded it in my trunk hilariously. It came to about 3 inches from the steering wheel to the backseat. Then we went to the BFF'S house and talked about how awesome it was too be living in the same town.

Ugly Christmas Party

We went to an Ugly Christmas sweater party tonight. My BFF's Improv team was there and Hubby integrated himself in nicely. He will most likely join the team when he can.

It was a long night but a short day. We didn't get much done in the long run, but we are starting to have a social life again. 

Escape

I spent the afternoon and evening with BFF. I'm so glad I can escape to her house and get perspective on the whole situation. I had a long talk with the Hubby yesterday too, and I think we are now on the same page.

I wish I could just figure out how to stop worrying. 

The Third Act

I've been internalizing a lot of my emotions since moving back.  Dealing with 3 personalities instead of just 1 or 2 has been extremely taxing.  Never was that more clear than today when my Jewish Mother and Sister dogged all over Christmas while my Hubby was trying hard to embrace celebrating a Jewish Christmas, aka going out to Chinese...sans movie, since everyone else seems to have adopted that and it was too busy.  I think people just don't know how to communicate anymore, so they seek out movies, tablets, electronic distractions in place of just getting together as a family.

Even as I sit here watching one of my gifts from Hubby, he sits downstairs on the computer while my mom reads upstairs in her bedroom. My sister will be out of the house until everyone else has gone to bed.  The family is fractured even when it is together.  I can't continue to force a conversation between them, I'm not built that way.  I'm not used to feeling like this...not anymore.  Our family was this fractured before I left the house, I just forgot.  It's just more complicated with Hubby here.

I feel like my life has entered the third act.  I've gone through childhood, young adult, and full grown adult life is starting.  I'm a totally different person than I was a few weeks ago.  I need to figure out who I am now.

Snow on Christmas Eve

I'm taking it. 

Xmas Eve Eve

After a lunch with the Bro-in-law we came back home to work on "the list" that we had set up at the beginning of the week. My mom didn't want to get rid of her two lazy boys, so I suggested that we move our "sac-scional" to be fatter instead to make room for the other item. Hubby thought we should just take one piece out and move it back to storage. I jokingly said that it would be like giving up space that we were allowed to take already, and he said "well someone has to be an adult about this."

After he acted like a sick baby all day yesterday, now because I got a little upset he decides he is the adult. I've been wondering lately if our marriage can take this move. Because right now I'm super pissed off at this new attitude he has. If this is the real him, I'm going to have to bow out. 

Alone Time

By mid afternoon hubby had managed to get very sick. It resulted in me running around town getting him medication while getting one of our tables out of storage. He ended up getting some Nyquil down and passing out around 6. Mom was pushing on me that Old Navy was having a sale on boots, so I went to the outlet mall by myself and stayed there until they closed at 9.  It was nice being by myself shopping for boots that I never ended up finding. My fitbit was happy that I was walking, so I just kept going. I did find a $71 pair of boots that were cute, but not enough to warrant the price.

It was the alone time I needed, although I feel like more would be nice.